Two years? How can this be?

It was this week two years ago that I received the news that it was Hodgkin's lymphoma. This is a picture of the first time I felt the lump.

I just spent the afternoon reading the blog I kept throughout my treatments and I'm now thinking: "how the heck did I get through that and now it's two years later?" Reading through the blog, I have an urge to edit things I wrote. Was I too positive? But I know I can't change the past. Those are my words, my journal that I shared with you. I was positive so that I would keep myself positive and to keep all of you positive. I had cancer, but staying in good spirits throughout my journey was the best thing I could have ever done for myself.

These past two years have been a whirlwind. It's like I blinked, and suddenly, I'm here--BAM--it's been two years after receiving that diagnosis. So many things have happened in those two years. Things I love, things I hate, things I remember, things I forget, things I regret-- But I can't change the past.


This summer was the craziest whirlwind of all. I planned my wedding in five months while applying for jobs and doing some traveling. The wedding is over and I am sad. Really sad at the fact that the best day ever is over. But I have to remember, there are going to be lots of best days ever in my life. Hearing I was cancer free on my birthday, was the best day ever!! Singing at Broadway Lights the Night was the best day ever! Every time we walk with friends at Light the Night-- the best days ever.

I can't change the past, no matter how often and much I really, really want to. Having cancer has taught me a lot of things, one of them being to live every day. Keep moving forward. LIVE!
 

One year

It was one year ago that I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society call it Hodgkin's disease, but my oncologist called it lymphoma, so that's what I call it.

I was just starting at an internship at a public school. My supervisor was out of the room on her lunch break, and I sat alone, as I received a text message from the surgeon to call him. (He was a family friend, so I had his cell phone from other times). When he told me, I was surprisingly calm. I didn't cry. I just felt relieved. I finally had an answer to what I was going through for almost two years. And I knew it was going to get better. That I was going to get better.

One year!

Broadway Lights the Night

I took some time to reflect on the past year and the events of Broadway Lights the Night on July 21. When I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma in September 2013, I never imagined it would come full circle at this very special event. I began my journey singing "I Have Confidence" at a church picnic before anyone knew (other than my immediate family) that I had been diagnosed and it was my own special way of telling myself that "I will be okay, I will get through this." Eleven months later, I was honored at Broadway Lights the Night as a survivor and was especially honored to be asked to sing at the event. I chose "A Change in Me" from Broadway's Beauty and the Beast. The lyrics described perfectly what I went through this past year: acceptance of my diagnosis, undergoing tests and treatments, the process of healing, and changing for the better. It was an incredible opportunity for me and the most amazing way to end my journey with lymphoma. 

But actually, the journey will never be over. I will always be fighting to raise awareness and funds for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, and other honorable organizations, so that thousands of others diagnosed with cancer will be able to receive assistance and treatments toward a cure, like I did. It's hard work, but it's worth it.

Thank you Leigh, Ashley, Brooke, and the sponsors, especially Krasney Financial, LLC & TD Ameritrade Institutional, for organizing such a wonderful event; your hard work and dedication does not go unnoticed. Thank you Ben, for playing so beautifully for all of us. Thank you to my friends at the LLS who work so hard throughout the year to raise awareness- it has been such a privilege getting to know you and hope we work together for many years. Thank you so much Aaron Lenhart Photography and Matthew Friedman Photography Productions for taking beautiful pictures, so that family and friends who were not able to attend were able to experience it it later and that I can look back and remember my beautiful moments on and off the stage. Thank you to my fellow performers for supporting our cause and for welcoming me to the stage (a novice among all you professionals!) and your support. Thank you to Anita for coaching me (vocally and in life!), Julia, my church family and friends who attended the event, and those who supported from afar.

It was an emotional and heart warming night, one I will always remember, and hope to be part of for many years to come. I hear from people that I am strong and courageous, but to be honest, it is because of my wonderfully supportive team that got me through this year. Frozen meals, movie nights, walking with me at Light the Night, a kind card in the mail, or a text/email/Facebook message to check in on me-- it is because of you that I was able to stay strong this year and push through. "With you, I am more than I am."

Love,
Gillian

Here is the link to my photo album on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1558252291069210.1073741830.1471477149746725&type=1

July

Happy July! (Yes this post is from the beginning of July...I forgot to post it! Whoops!)

I have been very busy, working at my graduate assistantship and as a hostess part time. I've also joined a community band (I play clarinet). I'm loving it, but it is tiring. I am taking a month-long vacation beginning July 22, so I have two weeks left to go until I can finally relax and enjoy the summer. Even throughout my treatments, I continued school and work, so this is one much needed vacation.

I'll be flying to California for the Carmel Bach Festival to meet my boyfriend, then flying to Florida to visit family. One thing I did not consider, was this is the first time I am flying with the port-a-cath in my chest and going through airport security. I have read that it shouldn't set off the metal detector, but that I should tell security about the device just in case. My mom thought of this! (She's the best!)

I am attempting to "train" for a 5K run in the fall for the cancer center where I was treated. Yesterday, at my check-up, my doctor was palpating my stomach and asked "have you been exercising?" That made me laugh! I am trying, but I will have much more time to run when I am on vacation. (Carmel weather is perfect for jogging!)

Update, July 20:

I've been staying motivated with my 5K "training" by using a fun app on my phone. Tomorrow is Broadway Lights the Night, where my interview will be shown on stage. I can't wait!! If you happen to be reading this and still didn't get a ticket, go to www.broadwaylightsthenight.com to learn more!! Your ticket is a donation to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and I couldn't be happier to be involved with this organization. Then, the next morning, I am flying to Carmel! wahooooo!!!!

What happened?

The time since I found out I was cancer free and done with treatments two months ago, have been emotional. Reflecting on the past seven months of treatments, I think: 'what happened?'

Where did the time go? People said it would just be a little blip in life, just a few months in the grand scheme of things, and they were right. I can hardly believe I went through 6 cycles/12 sessions of chemotherapy. I worked hard throughout my treatments, trying my best to stay on track with school, stay positive, and keep busy. But now that it's over, I've had a lot more time to reflect on what happened and it can be hard at times.

Yesterday, I helped my best friend sort through her mother's old pictures. She, along with her relatives, have been cleaning out their mother's house since she lost her two-year fight with pancreatic cancer last month. It still hurts me to know that cancer took such a lovely, kind person away from her family and friends. It must be so difficult for them to go through this at a young age. My other best friend's family home caught on fire this week and they lost so much, including their beloved cat. I'm devastated, along with the entire family. My family has experienced hard losses in our lives, yet we remain strong and hopeful.

I care so deeply for my friends and my family. It is heartbreaking to see them in pain. I can't help but wonder if this is how they feel for me. They put so much into helping me get through my treatments. They gave advice, kept me focused on my end goal of finishing treatments, laughed with me, cried with me. I want to give back, I want to help them get through their battles, their "cancers" of life.

My cancer diagnosis didn't break me. It changed me for the better, and I don't mind it at all.

Memorial Day

This Memorial Day, I am not only thankful for all the brave men and women who have served and continue to serve our country, but I am also thinking of the brave men and women who battle with cancer each day. This weekend was the first time I experienced true anger at cancer since being diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma in September.

My dear friend, Kasie, lost her mother to pancreatic cancer last week and this weekend I attended a beautiful memorial service in her honor and memory. As I sat in the congregation, listening to family and friends speak about Nancy and how brave and kind she was her entire life, but even after her terminal diagnosis, I experienced real anger towards this terrible disease, which only seems to become more prevalent as we continue to research and fight for a cure.

I was "blessed" to have Hodgkin's lymphoma. It is very treatable and I had no doubt in my mind that I was going to go through chemotherapy and be okay. I was never mad at cancer, or God, or the universe, or my body, or whatever for giving me cancer. But Saturday afternoon, I was mad. I was mad that cancer took away my best friend's mother. I was mad that Nancy had to go through such a hard battle, when I didn't, and so many others do every day. I read blogs and those little "memes" on Facebook that say no matter what kind of cancer you have, it is still cancer. It still hurts. It still affects you and the people that care about you. Just because you don't look sick, doesn't mean you aren't sick. Just because you don't lose your hair, doesn't mean cancer hasn't affected you in a powerful way. This is all true and I believe it. But for the first time, I was really angry at cancer. At God. At the universe. At bodies for allowing us to get this awful disease, whatever it is and however it happens.

I am grieving for Nancy today. I am grieving for myself and for everyone affected by cancer, hoping there will be a cure in my lifetime. Yet I am thankful for cancer research, for doctors and nurses, for family, for friends, for supporters. Your donation, to the LLS, American Cancer Society, or whichever organization you choose, makes a huge difference in the lives of cancer patients. Thank you.

http://pages.lightthenight.org/nj/Morris14/GVelmer

Doctor Selfie and Graduation

On Monday, I had an appointment with my doctor. Blood work looks good. I'll get another CT scan in July. I'm so grateful for the nurses and doctors everywhere who dedicate their time and efforts to helping people affected with cancer.


And on Tuesday, May 20, I walked at graduation! Master of Arts in Speech Language Pathology :)