Fourth Treatment

...means I'm 1/4... No! 1/3 of the way through treatments!

I was feeling much more anxious and emotional before (and after) this one. I left work Friday at noon and just burst out into tears for no reason at all, other than I was happy because I have wonderful coworkers and a supportive supervisor and sad probably because I had to go back for treatment, after being away for nearly a week and a half.

The doctor was surprised once again that I have my hair. I gained 3 pounds! They gave me Ativan through my IV which made me lightheaded and sleepy, so I slept for about an hour of treatment. I was so sluggish and still feeling emotional, so I decided not to head out to my friends' quartet gig at a local Starbucks. I did get a recording and they sounded great! Hopefully their next gig isn't right after a treatment. I feel pretty lousy the first few days afterwards. I don't get sick, but usually have this weird feeling usually in my mouth and throat. (The doctor said dry throat is normal with this chemotherapy. I am tracking this on a calendar, and I'm interested to see if the dry/tight throat pattern continues on Day 3-4 of this round). I also missed out on a rehearsal at the Stevenson's church for their annual Christmas Cantata tomorrow morning, but I will be going to their annual Ceilidh gathering this evening with my family! They are like family to me and I love this party every Christmas!

I still have some leftover school work to do for my first half semester and thesis, but I will have plenty of time after the holidays.

Is anyone traveling for the holidays this year?

Making excuses

I've always felt bad about making "excuses" for not being able to do something or go somewhere or why I'm feeling the way I do.

My co-workers say 'I can't believe you're working!' and I can't think of not working during this time, especially if I'm not feeling half bad. Even when I'm having a tired, I-don't-feel-like-doing-anything day, I think of it as just being lazy. Even when I'm feeling a little achy at the end of the day, it's nothing I can't handle. I almost asked to leave work early on Friday, but I told myself: 'take some Advil and move on!' The chemotherapy has nothing to do with it.

My mom says I shouldn't lift heavy objects like my books or laptop and she insists on helping me because of the port in my chest. And even though it's a valid reason (yes, I could hurt myself by damaging the port somehow), I still feel the need to lift my bags. The port is just an excuse to have other people carry my bags and feel bad for me, right? The port has nothing to do with it.

While I was getting tested and before my diagnosis, I kept thinking that it couldn't, wouldn't be cancer. The swollen lymph node was the primary symptom and although fatigue was another symptom, I've always been tired and enjoyed napping during the day. I thought I was overreacting. I've always been a lazy bum! Cancer had nothing to do with it.

I still think this way two months after I've been diagnosed and I'm trying to get over it. Cancer as just an "excuse." I think: 'I'm strong and I can do everything I need to, just like before my diagnosis. And if I can't, then I need to try harder!'

So, I couldn't sleep last night and thought I should take an Ativan, which I was given for nausea and anxiety, but I didn't believe I was truly anxious. Sometimes I'm awake in bed at the end of the day, thinking about things, which is normal, right? We all do it. Last night I was making another excuse for myself: 'I'm not anxious, I don't need that pill. I need to save it for the days when I'm really anxious, this is nothing.' But I was still wide awake thinking and when 2am approached, I decided I would take the pill and stop not giving myself what I need. I had a craving to watch a Tyler Perry Madea movie because I'd never seen one (it was as goofy as I thought it would be), so I took the pill, put the movie on, and within thirty minutes, I was out. I woke up late and felt rested. So, I think the drug helped. I need to accept that it's okay to have a little help, even if it comes in the form of a tiny pill.

Sometimes I do want to make an excuse and say "I can't do this, I have cancer, feel bad for me!" but doesn't everybody have something that is hurting them in some way? I tell my friends, co-workers, and students in the program where I work that I have been feeling great, because 1) I have! and 2) I don't want to give people an excuse to feel sad for me, because these people might be hurting, too. Physically, emotionally, mentally. We all hurt. So who am I to hurt more than anyone else?

I still want to be invited to events and dinners, even if I feel like declining because of my "laziness" or my need to be a complete introvert sometimes (okay, more than sometimes...I very often want to stay at home in my pajamas all day...). I never wanted it to be because of the cancer. But sometimes, maybe it is because cancer has everything to do with it. And that's okay.
 

Thanksgiving and Third Treatment

Time is flying. I can't believe Thanksgiving week is over and it's now December 7th. I couldn't be more thankful for my family who traveled from Pittsburgh, Massachusetts, and Florida to have Thanksgiving in New Jersey and for the Kucsans for continuing the tradition of stopping by for dessert at our home! (I will post pictures as soon as I transfer them to my computer.)

Kids table! :)

Monday after Thanksgiving I presented my thesis project in front of the faculty and classmates. It was only a five minute presentation with Powerpoint, but who doesn't get a little bit nervous presenting? I did well and am very proud of myself for not delaying this presentation until the following year. Here is the title page for my PPT:

I'm so excited to start researching more and writing over winter break. After I presented, I had a quick lunch at home, then headed to the hospital for my third treatment. The Lesters arrived shortly after we did for Mr. Lester's treatment, and I was really happy to be able to share that time with them and share our experiences.

I think ABVD (chemotherapy drugs adriamycin, bleomycin, vinblastine and dacarbazin) may be cumulative, but I'm not sure. I plan to ask my doctor next time. Having treatment on Monday instead of at the end of the week messed up my schedule, because I was feeling tired and "blah" on Tuesday and Wednesday- days I usually work and have class. I did go to class Wednesday night, but chewed on saltines and mint gum the entire time to feel better. I haven't felt nauseous/nauseated (which one is it, Alyssa? :), to the point of getting sick, but the first few days after chemotherapy, I have a funny feeling in my mouth, so chewing gum and crackers really helps! I've also felt a "tightness" of my throat sometime during days 3-4 after the past two treatments. I'm also going to ask my doctor about this. Drinking water and sucking on ice pops has helped alleviate this dry throat feeling. Today, Saturday (5 days after), I feel pretty normal.

So, I'm anxiously awaiting the morning I wake up with a clump of hair on my pillow. It's been about 37 days since my first treatment and I haven't experienced significant loss (and maybe I haven't washed or brushed my hair in a few days...hopeful preventive measures??). I'm trying not to run my fingers through it to see if I'm losing any of it, but I'm curious. It seems that I am losing the "normal" amount of hair that I've always lost after combing or washing my hair. My doctor walked into the office on Monday and said "you still have hair!" which made me laugh. I'm not holding my breath that it will be there for my next treatment and am prepared to lose it (but not really prepared at all). I've been Google searching "hair loss and ABVD" and it seems like everyone reacts differently to the regimen.

3 down, 9 more. 1/3 of the way through! Next treatment: Friday, December 20th.

Love,
Gilly