Survivor's Guilt

So much time has passed.

I came on today to reflect on the sad news of recent celebrity deaths due to cancer. Ever since I was diagnosed with cancer (over two years ago), I have felt a connection to others who have been diagnosed- especially celebrities. It started when I was watching the TV show Dexter late at night and found out that Michael C. Hall had Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I was going through chemotherapy treatments at that time. For Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I just can't explain why I felt so strongly connected to that actor. When I had the opportunity to meet him after a Broadway show, I shook his hand, shared my story, and thanked him for inspiring me to continue on and fight strong. I had never met him before then, but a strong connection with him in that moment. Cancer is the link.

In  the first few weeks of January 2016, there have been so many deaths from cancer. The celebrity deaths get the most attention, of course. David Bowie was first. A few days later was Alan Rickman. I heard of their deaths early in the day, during my drive to work. Alan Rickman's death really hit me hard, because my sister and I had just finished watching all eight of the Harry Potter movies over winter break. And oh yes, I cried over Snape's scenes, too. Hearing it in the car, I teared up a bit. Reading an hour later that it was from cancer- I lost it at work. I mourned alone in my classroom for at least half an hour. I mourned later on in the day, too, as I told a friend how I was feeling.

Prior to these deaths, I read an article about "survivor's guilt," which is essentially feeling guilty after surviving a major life event while others did/do not survive. In my case, it was cancer. I suppose I feel this way often, although I don't often reflect on it. My oncologist and surgeon told me early on in my diagnosis that I had a "best cancer" and that it was very curable. Through treatments, I did feel "guilty" at times for having the cancer I did, because I knew that thousands of others had it "worse" than I did. Well, I know that no cancer is the "best cancer" to get; it still hurts, it still changes your life, it still is something I wouldn't want anyone to go through.

Survivor's guilt hit me after hearing of Alan Rickman's death. I am shocked that we can't cure cancer yet, or prolong the lives of all people battling all types of cancer. Or that some of the most prolific people in this world, who have access to the best medicine, still lose their lives to cancer. This is why I will continue to fundraise for the LLS, until we no longer need to.