If you know me, you know I'm emotional. Always have been, always will be.
I cried a lot during chemotherapy. It was usually late at night, in my room, alone.
Well, tonight I watched Grease Live, which was really good. They added a live audience, who also acted as extras, and it really helped with the overall feel of the broadcast. When it came time to the last song and the curtain call, I started crying. It first started when I saw the performers dancing, bowing, and mouthing "hi mom and dad!" I just lost it. I'm a total cry baby. But I thought I would blog about it, because I think by blogging, it will help me understand WHY I was so emotional at the end of the show.
I think it has a lot to do with my memories of high school and being in the musicals. Grease Live made me reminisce about those good (and sometimes bad) times in my life and how so much has changed since then. I miss those days a lot sometimes.
I've had my moments, but I don't remember being this sad so often before chemotherapy started. Things were going along... I moved in with my parents after college, then was living with my boyfriend (now husband), going to grad school,....then I had cancer. It set me back a bit. I moved back in with my parents over the weekends so I could get a treatment close to their home. My parents never let me go and I never let them go and once the cancer hit, I really couldn't let go. And I'm having a hard time doing that now. I moved out of my parents' home (my stuff is still there though), I'm married, I have a full-time job (that I'm not entirely happy about at the moment)- I am in a huge transition period in my life. I'm scared, all the time, of this transition. I was extremely sad that our wedding was over and having to jump into a new job right after the wedding was stressful. So much changed in such a short amount of time. It's time to give my parents the guest room they really want. But it is hard. This transition makes me sad all the time, and I think that the Grease Live broadcast really reminded me of that. I'm not in high school anymore. It's time to grow up and start a new chapter of life.
The other reason I think I was crying at the end of the show....well, it could be that I am jealous of those actors. I've always wanted to be on Broadway, because it seems like so much fun. Hard work, but fun. And they are amazing singers and dancers! I'll never be that good. I think seeing all of them excited and happy together, enjoying each other's company, makes me long for those relationships, too. I'm not very happy with my job...or career. Life as a school-based speech therapist is so overwhelming. I think seeing those actors laughing and singing made me realize how much I want to live a happy life. I love being with and helping my students, but man, this job (and any school-based job) is nuts! The first year is always the hardest, but I really worry about every year being the hardest. I have a lifetime to worry about CEUs and keeping up with my certification, and writing teacher portfolios, and progress notes, and lesson plans, and IEPs, and meetings. So many of my friends post their adventures on Facebook. My adventures will have to be during summer vacation (a huge benefit to working in schools...). The Grease Live cast had an awesome adventure tonight. I want that.
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Monday, January 18, 2016
Survivor's Guilt
So much time has passed.
I came on today to reflect on the sad news of recent celebrity deaths due to cancer. Ever since I was diagnosed with cancer (over two years ago), I have felt a connection to others who have been diagnosed- especially celebrities. It started when I was watching the TV show Dexter late at night and found out that Michael C. Hall had Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I was going through chemotherapy treatments at that time. For Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I just can't explain why I felt so strongly connected to that actor. When I had the opportunity to meet him after a Broadway show, I shook his hand, shared my story, and thanked him for inspiring me to continue on and fight strong. I had never met him before then, but a strong connection with him in that moment. Cancer is the link.
In the first few weeks of January 2016, there have been so many deaths from cancer. The celebrity deaths get the most attention, of course. David Bowie was first. A few days later was Alan Rickman. I heard of their deaths early in the day, during my drive to work. Alan Rickman's death really hit me hard, because my sister and I had just finished watching all eight of the Harry Potter movies over winter break. And oh yes, I cried over Snape's scenes, too. Hearing it in the car, I teared up a bit. Reading an hour later that it was from cancer- I lost it at work. I mourned alone in my classroom for at least half an hour. I mourned later on in the day, too, as I told a friend how I was feeling.
Prior to these deaths, I read an article about "survivor's guilt," which is essentially feeling guilty after surviving a major life event while others did/do not survive. In my case, it was cancer. I suppose I feel this way often, although I don't often reflect on it. My oncologist and surgeon told me early on in my diagnosis that I had a "best cancer" and that it was very curable. Through treatments, I did feel "guilty" at times for having the cancer I did, because I knew that thousands of others had it "worse" than I did. Well, I know that no cancer is the "best cancer" to get; it still hurts, it still changes your life, it still is something I wouldn't want anyone to go through.
Survivor's guilt hit me after hearing of Alan Rickman's death. I am shocked that we can't cure cancer yet, or prolong the lives of all people battling all types of cancer. Or that some of the most prolific people in this world, who have access to the best medicine, still lose their lives to cancer. This is why I will continue to fundraise for the LLS, until we no longer need to.
I came on today to reflect on the sad news of recent celebrity deaths due to cancer. Ever since I was diagnosed with cancer (over two years ago), I have felt a connection to others who have been diagnosed- especially celebrities. It started when I was watching the TV show Dexter late at night and found out that Michael C. Hall had Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I was going through chemotherapy treatments at that time. For Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I just can't explain why I felt so strongly connected to that actor. When I had the opportunity to meet him after a Broadway show, I shook his hand, shared my story, and thanked him for inspiring me to continue on and fight strong. I had never met him before then, but a strong connection with him in that moment. Cancer is the link.
In the first few weeks of January 2016, there have been so many deaths from cancer. The celebrity deaths get the most attention, of course. David Bowie was first. A few days later was Alan Rickman. I heard of their deaths early in the day, during my drive to work. Alan Rickman's death really hit me hard, because my sister and I had just finished watching all eight of the Harry Potter movies over winter break. And oh yes, I cried over Snape's scenes, too. Hearing it in the car, I teared up a bit. Reading an hour later that it was from cancer- I lost it at work. I mourned alone in my classroom for at least half an hour. I mourned later on in the day, too, as I told a friend how I was feeling.
Prior to these deaths, I read an article about "survivor's guilt," which is essentially feeling guilty after surviving a major life event while others did/do not survive. In my case, it was cancer. I suppose I feel this way often, although I don't often reflect on it. My oncologist and surgeon told me early on in my diagnosis that I had a "best cancer" and that it was very curable. Through treatments, I did feel "guilty" at times for having the cancer I did, because I knew that thousands of others had it "worse" than I did. Well, I know that no cancer is the "best cancer" to get; it still hurts, it still changes your life, it still is something I wouldn't want anyone to go through.
Survivor's guilt hit me after hearing of Alan Rickman's death. I am shocked that we can't cure cancer yet, or prolong the lives of all people battling all types of cancer. Or that some of the most prolific people in this world, who have access to the best medicine, still lose their lives to cancer. This is why I will continue to fundraise for the LLS, until we no longer need to.
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Two years? How can this be?
It was this week two years ago that I received the news that it was Hodgkin's lymphoma. This is a picture of the first time I felt the lump.
I just spent the afternoon reading the blog I kept throughout my treatments and I'm now thinking: "how the heck did I get through that and now it's two years later?" Reading through the blog, I have an urge to edit things I wrote. Was I too positive? But I know I can't change the past. Those are my words, my journal that I shared with you. I was positive so that I would keep myself positive and to keep all of you positive. I had cancer, but staying in good spirits throughout my journey was the best thing I could have ever done for myself.
These past two years have been a whirlwind. It's like I blinked, and suddenly, I'm here--BAM--it's been two years after receiving that diagnosis. So many things have happened in those two years. Things I love, things I hate, things I remember, things I forget, things I regret-- But I can't change the past.
This summer was the craziest whirlwind of all. I planned my wedding in five months while applying for jobs and doing some traveling. The wedding is over and I am sad. Really sad at the fact that the best day ever is over. But I have to remember, there are going to be lots of best days ever in my life. Hearing I was cancer free on my birthday, was the best day ever!! Singing at Broadway Lights the Night was the best day ever! Every time we walk with friends at Light the Night-- the best days ever.
I can't change the past, no matter how often and much I really, really want to. Having cancer has taught me a lot of things, one of them being to live every day. Keep moving forward. LIVE!
I just spent the afternoon reading the blog I kept throughout my treatments and I'm now thinking: "how the heck did I get through that and now it's two years later?" Reading through the blog, I have an urge to edit things I wrote. Was I too positive? But I know I can't change the past. Those are my words, my journal that I shared with you. I was positive so that I would keep myself positive and to keep all of you positive. I had cancer, but staying in good spirits throughout my journey was the best thing I could have ever done for myself.
These past two years have been a whirlwind. It's like I blinked, and suddenly, I'm here--BAM--it's been two years after receiving that diagnosis. So many things have happened in those two years. Things I love, things I hate, things I remember, things I forget, things I regret-- But I can't change the past.
This summer was the craziest whirlwind of all. I planned my wedding in five months while applying for jobs and doing some traveling. The wedding is over and I am sad. Really sad at the fact that the best day ever is over. But I have to remember, there are going to be lots of best days ever in my life. Hearing I was cancer free on my birthday, was the best day ever!! Singing at Broadway Lights the Night was the best day ever! Every time we walk with friends at Light the Night-- the best days ever.
I can't change the past, no matter how often and much I really, really want to. Having cancer has taught me a lot of things, one of them being to live every day. Keep moving forward. LIVE!
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
One year
It was one year ago that I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society call it Hodgkin's disease, but my oncologist called it lymphoma, so that's what I call it.
I was just starting at an internship at a public school. My supervisor was out of the room on her lunch break, and I sat alone, as I received a text message from the surgeon to call him. (He was a family friend, so I had his cell phone from other times). When he told me, I was surprisingly calm. I didn't cry. I just felt relieved. I finally had an answer to what I was going through for almost two years. And I knew it was going to get better. That I was going to get better.
One year!
I was just starting at an internship at a public school. My supervisor was out of the room on her lunch break, and I sat alone, as I received a text message from the surgeon to call him. (He was a family friend, so I had his cell phone from other times). When he told me, I was surprisingly calm. I didn't cry. I just felt relieved. I finally had an answer to what I was going through for almost two years. And I knew it was going to get better. That I was going to get better.
One year!
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Broadway Lights the Night
I took some time to reflect on the past year and the events of
Broadway Lights the Night on July 21. When I was diagnosed with
Hodgkin's lymphoma in September 2013, I never imagined it would come
full circle at this very special event. I began my journey singing "I
Have Confidence" at a church picnic before anyone knew (other than my
immediate family) that I had been diagnosed and it was my own special
way of telling myself that "I will be okay, I will get through this."
Eleven months later, I was honored at
Broadway Lights the Night as a survivor and was especially honored to be
asked to sing at the event. I chose "A Change in Me" from Broadway's
Beauty and the Beast. The lyrics described perfectly what I went through
this past year: acceptance of my diagnosis, undergoing tests and
treatments, the process of healing, and changing for the better. It was
an incredible opportunity for me and the most amazing way to end my
journey with lymphoma.
But actually, the journey will never be over. I will always be fighting to raise awareness and funds for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, and other honorable organizations, so that thousands of others diagnosed with cancer will be able to receive assistance and treatments toward a cure, like I did. It's hard work, but it's worth it.
Thank you Leigh, Ashley, Brooke, and the sponsors, especially Krasney Financial, LLC & TD Ameritrade Institutional, for organizing such a wonderful event; your hard work and dedication does not go unnoticed. Thank you Ben, for playing so beautifully for all of us. Thank you to my friends at the LLS who work so hard throughout the year to raise awareness- it has been such a privilege getting to know you and hope we work together for many years. Thank you so much Aaron Lenhart Photography and Matthew Friedman Photography Productions for taking beautiful pictures, so that family and friends who were not able to attend were able to experience it it later and that I can look back and remember my beautiful moments on and off the stage. Thank you to my fellow performers for supporting our cause and for welcoming me to the stage (a novice among all you professionals!) and your support. Thank you to Anita for coaching me (vocally and in life!), Julia, my church family and friends who attended the event, and those who supported from afar.
It was an emotional and heart warming night, one I will always remember, and hope to be part of for many years to come. I hear from people that I am strong and courageous, but to be honest, it is because of my wonderfully supportive team that got me through this year. Frozen meals, movie nights, walking with me at Light the Night, a kind card in the mail, or a text/email/Facebook message to check in on me-- it is because of you that I was able to stay strong this year and push through. "With you, I am more than I am."
Love,
Gillian
Here is the link to my photo album on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1558252291069210.1073741830.1471477149746725&type=1
But actually, the journey will never be over. I will always be fighting to raise awareness and funds for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, and other honorable organizations, so that thousands of others diagnosed with cancer will be able to receive assistance and treatments toward a cure, like I did. It's hard work, but it's worth it.
Thank you Leigh, Ashley, Brooke, and the sponsors, especially Krasney Financial, LLC & TD Ameritrade Institutional, for organizing such a wonderful event; your hard work and dedication does not go unnoticed. Thank you Ben, for playing so beautifully for all of us. Thank you to my friends at the LLS who work so hard throughout the year to raise awareness- it has been such a privilege getting to know you and hope we work together for many years. Thank you so much Aaron Lenhart Photography and Matthew Friedman Photography Productions for taking beautiful pictures, so that family and friends who were not able to attend were able to experience it it later and that I can look back and remember my beautiful moments on and off the stage. Thank you to my fellow performers for supporting our cause and for welcoming me to the stage (a novice among all you professionals!) and your support. Thank you to Anita for coaching me (vocally and in life!), Julia, my church family and friends who attended the event, and those who supported from afar.
It was an emotional and heart warming night, one I will always remember, and hope to be part of for many years to come. I hear from people that I am strong and courageous, but to be honest, it is because of my wonderfully supportive team that got me through this year. Frozen meals, movie nights, walking with me at Light the Night, a kind card in the mail, or a text/email/Facebook message to check in on me-- it is because of you that I was able to stay strong this year and push through. "With you, I am more than I am."
Love,
Gillian
Here is the link to my photo album on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1558252291069210.1073741830.1471477149746725&type=1
Sunday, July 20, 2014
July
Happy July! (Yes this post is from the beginning of July...I forgot to post it! Whoops!)
I have been very busy, working at my graduate assistantship and as a hostess part time. I've also joined a community band (I play clarinet). I'm loving it, but it is tiring. I am taking a month-long vacation beginning July 22, so I have two weeks left to go until I can finally relax and enjoy the summer. Even throughout my treatments, I continued school and work, so this is one much needed vacation.
I'll be flying to California for the Carmel Bach Festival to meet my boyfriend, then flying to Florida to visit family. One thing I did not consider, was this is the first time I am flying with the port-a-cath in my chest and going through airport security. I have read that it shouldn't set off the metal detector, but that I should tell security about the device just in case. My mom thought of this! (She's the best!)
I am attempting to "train" for a 5K run in the fall for the cancer center where I was treated. Yesterday, at my check-up, my doctor was palpating my stomach and asked "have you been exercising?" That made me laugh! I am trying, but I will have much more time to run when I am on vacation. (Carmel weather is perfect for jogging!)
Update, July 20:
I've been staying motivated with my 5K "training" by using a fun app on my phone. Tomorrow is Broadway Lights the Night, where my interview will be shown on stage. I can't wait!! If you happen to be reading this and still didn't get a ticket, go to www.broadwaylightsthenight.com to learn more!! Your ticket is a donation to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and I couldn't be happier to be involved with this organization. Then, the next morning, I am flying to Carmel! wahooooo!!!!
I have been very busy, working at my graduate assistantship and as a hostess part time. I've also joined a community band (I play clarinet). I'm loving it, but it is tiring. I am taking a month-long vacation beginning July 22, so I have two weeks left to go until I can finally relax and enjoy the summer. Even throughout my treatments, I continued school and work, so this is one much needed vacation.
I'll be flying to California for the Carmel Bach Festival to meet my boyfriend, then flying to Florida to visit family. One thing I did not consider, was this is the first time I am flying with the port-a-cath in my chest and going through airport security. I have read that it shouldn't set off the metal detector, but that I should tell security about the device just in case. My mom thought of this! (She's the best!)
I am attempting to "train" for a 5K run in the fall for the cancer center where I was treated. Yesterday, at my check-up, my doctor was palpating my stomach and asked "have you been exercising?" That made me laugh! I am trying, but I will have much more time to run when I am on vacation. (Carmel weather is perfect for jogging!)
Update, July 20:
I've been staying motivated with my 5K "training" by using a fun app on my phone. Tomorrow is Broadway Lights the Night, where my interview will be shown on stage. I can't wait!! If you happen to be reading this and still didn't get a ticket, go to www.broadwaylightsthenight.com to learn more!! Your ticket is a donation to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and I couldn't be happier to be involved with this organization. Then, the next morning, I am flying to Carmel! wahooooo!!!!
Friday, June 20, 2014
What happened?
The time since I found out I was cancer free and done with treatments two months ago, have been emotional. Reflecting on the past seven months of treatments, I think: 'what happened?'
Where did the time go? People said it would just be a little blip in life, just a few months in the grand scheme of things, and they were right. I can hardly believe I went through 6 cycles/12 sessions of chemotherapy. I worked hard throughout my treatments, trying my best to stay on track with school, stay positive, and keep busy. But now that it's over, I've had a lot more time to reflect on what happened and it can be hard at times.
Yesterday, I helped my best friend sort through her mother's old pictures. She, along with her relatives, have been cleaning out their mother's house since she lost her two-year fight with pancreatic cancer last month. It still hurts me to know that cancer took such a lovely, kind person away from her family and friends. It must be so difficult for them to go through this at a young age. My other best friend's family home caught on fire this week and they lost so much, including their beloved cat. I'm devastated, along with the entire family. My family has experienced hard losses in our lives, yet we remain strong and hopeful.
I care so deeply for my friends and my family. It is heartbreaking to see them in pain. I can't help but wonder if this is how they feel for me. They put so much into helping me get through my treatments. They gave advice, kept me focused on my end goal of finishing treatments, laughed with me, cried with me. I want to give back, I want to help them get through their battles, their "cancers" of life.
My cancer diagnosis didn't break me. It changed me for the better, and I don't mind it at all.
Where did the time go? People said it would just be a little blip in life, just a few months in the grand scheme of things, and they were right. I can hardly believe I went through 6 cycles/12 sessions of chemotherapy. I worked hard throughout my treatments, trying my best to stay on track with school, stay positive, and keep busy. But now that it's over, I've had a lot more time to reflect on what happened and it can be hard at times.
Yesterday, I helped my best friend sort through her mother's old pictures. She, along with her relatives, have been cleaning out their mother's house since she lost her two-year fight with pancreatic cancer last month. It still hurts me to know that cancer took such a lovely, kind person away from her family and friends. It must be so difficult for them to go through this at a young age. My other best friend's family home caught on fire this week and they lost so much, including their beloved cat. I'm devastated, along with the entire family. My family has experienced hard losses in our lives, yet we remain strong and hopeful.
I care so deeply for my friends and my family. It is heartbreaking to see them in pain. I can't help but wonder if this is how they feel for me. They put so much into helping me get through my treatments. They gave advice, kept me focused on my end goal of finishing treatments, laughed with me, cried with me. I want to give back, I want to help them get through their battles, their "cancers" of life.
My cancer diagnosis didn't break me. It changed me for the better, and I don't mind it at all.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Memorial Day
This Memorial Day, I am not only thankful for all the brave men and women who have served and continue to serve our country, but I
am also thinking of the brave men and women who battle with cancer each
day. This weekend was the first time I experienced true anger at cancer since being diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma in September.
My dear friend, Kasie, lost her mother to pancreatic cancer last week and this weekend I attended a beautiful memorial service in her honor and memory. As I sat in the congregation, listening to family and friends speak about Nancy and how brave and kind she was her entire life, but even after her terminal diagnosis, I experienced real anger towards this terrible disease, which only seems to become more prevalent as we continue to research and fight for a cure.
I was "blessed" to have Hodgkin's lymphoma. It is very treatable and I had no doubt in my mind that I was going to go through chemotherapy and be okay. I was never mad at cancer, or God, or the universe, or my body, or whatever for giving me cancer. But Saturday afternoon, I was mad. I was mad that cancer took away my best friend's mother. I was mad that Nancy had to go through such a hard battle, when I didn't, and so many others do every day. I read blogs and those little "memes" on Facebook that say no matter what kind of cancer you have, it is still cancer. It still hurts. It still affects you and the people that care about you. Just because you don't look sick, doesn't mean you aren't sick. Just because you don't lose your hair, doesn't mean cancer hasn't affected you in a powerful way. This is all true and I believe it. But for the first time, I was really angry at cancer. At God. At the universe. At bodies for allowing us to get this awful disease, whatever it is and however it happens.
I am grieving for Nancy today. I am grieving for myself and for everyone affected by cancer, hoping there will be a cure in my lifetime. Yet I am thankful for cancer research, for doctors and nurses, for family, for friends, for supporters. Your donation, to the LLS, American Cancer Society, or whichever organization you choose, makes a huge difference in the lives of cancer patients. Thank you.
http://pages.lightthenight.org/nj/Morris14/GVelmer
My dear friend, Kasie, lost her mother to pancreatic cancer last week and this weekend I attended a beautiful memorial service in her honor and memory. As I sat in the congregation, listening to family and friends speak about Nancy and how brave and kind she was her entire life, but even after her terminal diagnosis, I experienced real anger towards this terrible disease, which only seems to become more prevalent as we continue to research and fight for a cure.
I was "blessed" to have Hodgkin's lymphoma. It is very treatable and I had no doubt in my mind that I was going to go through chemotherapy and be okay. I was never mad at cancer, or God, or the universe, or my body, or whatever for giving me cancer. But Saturday afternoon, I was mad. I was mad that cancer took away my best friend's mother. I was mad that Nancy had to go through such a hard battle, when I didn't, and so many others do every day. I read blogs and those little "memes" on Facebook that say no matter what kind of cancer you have, it is still cancer. It still hurts. It still affects you and the people that care about you. Just because you don't look sick, doesn't mean you aren't sick. Just because you don't lose your hair, doesn't mean cancer hasn't affected you in a powerful way. This is all true and I believe it. But for the first time, I was really angry at cancer. At God. At the universe. At bodies for allowing us to get this awful disease, whatever it is and however it happens.
I am grieving for Nancy today. I am grieving for myself and for everyone affected by cancer, hoping there will be a cure in my lifetime. Yet I am thankful for cancer research, for doctors and nurses, for family, for friends, for supporters. Your donation, to the LLS, American Cancer Society, or whichever organization you choose, makes a huge difference in the lives of cancer patients. Thank you.
http://pages.lightthenight.org/nj/Morris14/GVelmer
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Doctor Selfie and Graduation
On Monday, I had an appointment with my doctor. Blood work looks
good. I'll get another CT scan in July. I'm so grateful for the nurses
and doctors everywhere who dedicate their time and efforts to helping
people affected with cancer.
And on Tuesday, May 20, I walked at graduation! Master of Arts in Speech Language Pathology :)
And on Tuesday, May 20, I walked at graduation! Master of Arts in Speech Language Pathology :)
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Best birthday
Three weeks ago, on my birthday, April 24, I found out I AM CANCER FREE!!!!!
I can't believe three weeks have already gone by! I've been wanting to blog of course, but time has just been flying. The morning of the 24th, I went for a CT/PET scan, out to breakfast with Tim, got the news that the scan was clean, went for a hike, then out for a very special birthday celebration!
I've just finished all my coursework and finals for the semester (well, with the exception of my entire thesis paper, but I will work on it this summer), directed two singing groups for people with aphasia (which went fabulously well!), and will be walking at graduation on Tuesday, May 20!
Love you all!
I've just finished all my coursework and finals for the semester (well, with the exception of my entire thesis paper, but I will work on it this summer), directed two singing groups for people with aphasia (which went fabulously well!), and will be walking at graduation on Tuesday, May 20!
Love you all!
Monday, April 21, 2014
Michael
I better blog about this before I forget.
Saturday afternoon, I met up with a friend from college to see The Realistic Joneses on Broadway. The cast is incredible: Tracy Letts, Marisa Tomei, Toni Collette, and Michael C. Hall. If you follow my Facebook page for Team Gillybean, you'll know I posted a while ago that I became a big fan of the TV show Dexter shortly after I started my chemotherapy treatments and would often watch at night to keep my mind off of treatments/side effects/life. It wasn't until I was halfway through the series that I was told that Michael C. Hall (Dexter) had cancer during the filming, and I later found out it was Hodgkin's Lymphoma and that he was an ambassador for Light the Night in 2011. So, I really wanted to see the show so I could see Michael C. Hall perform live.
I don't know if anyone else has gone through an experience like this, but I immediately felt a weird
"connection" with the actor on a different level, knowing that not only did he go through cancer treatments, but he had the same cancer I had. As far as I knew, I had never seen him in any other shows (perhaps bits of Six Feet Under) and knew very little about him. I quickly found out that he survived Hodgkin's Lymphoma, accepted his Golden Globe wearing a cap because he lost his hair during chemotherapy, continued working on Dexter wearing a wig, and became a spokesperson for Light the Night/LLS.
After I finished Dexter the series, I realized he was appearing in NYC and I knew I wanted to see it. I had a crazy idea that I could meet him at the stage door and tell him how appreciative I was that he shared his personal experiences with cancer. In one interview I found online, he said he wanted to share because he thought it might help other people who were also dealing with the disease. I thought, 'why not?! It might be the one chance I'll ever get.'
So, my friend Chris and I met up on sunny Saturday afternoon. I was already very emotional, thinking I might meet Michael C. Hall (can I call him Michael for the rest of this post?), but even themes within the play hit close to home. I laughed, I cried.
My friend knew exactly where the stage door was (I would have never found it without him!), so we waited there with all the other fans. Eventually many more people made their way to the stage door (how do people know where these things are?!).
Michael.....C. Hall (okay, I can't do it without the C. Hall) was the first one out. Chris was nudging me to
get closer to the front and take out my playbill so he could sign, but I was wary of this. I never like being associated with other fans at stage doors, waving camera phones and playbills at the actors. I knew I wanted my talk with him to be special, but I didn't know if it was possible. Some actors are too busy/impatient/arrogant to even take pictures with fans, so I watched him to see if I could figure out what 'kind' of celebrity he was. He was signing autographs and taking pictures with every person (good sign!), but he didn't seem to really be smiling in the pictures (bad sign?), so I thought 'unfriendly/hates taking pictures/no way he will talk to me.'
When he made his way to my side, I waited for him to sign a few autographs, I briefly made eye contact with him, before I made my way to the front. Deep breath. Now was my time to be bold. He was holding a Sharpie pen in his right hand, ready to sign Playbills, but instead of handing him my Playbill, I offered my hand. So, yea, I shook his hand with the Sharpie in it. :-)
I don't remember how I started. I think (I hope...) I said "I admire your work" and very quickly told him "In September, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma." He said "Oh, you were?" And I continued to tell him how Dexter was my go-to show after chemotherapy, that I didn't know he was also diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma until halfway through the series and when I found out, watching him on the show had so much more meaning. I told him I did some "Youtube stalking" (exact words, that much I know) and that it was great to watch his interviews and be able to relate to him; that the feelings he was going through are ones that I am going through and it meant everything that he shared his story.
It was mostly quiet all around us. Everyone was looking on and I knew this, but I didn't stop telling him how I felt. Chris told me after the experience, that he could tell that people surrounding us could tell we were having a special moment-- except for one random guy, who pushed his way to the front to take a "selfie" with Michael C. Hall. And that was the only time he ever looked away from me. I know the experience will be blurry to me soon, but the one thing I will not forget are his eyes. He did not look away and was completely engaged in what I was saying. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they look at you and how they listen.
At some point while I was talking, he leaned over the railing, and hugged me. Maybe he said something before that? I think it was a nice hug, but I was so shocked, I can hardly remember it two days later! (I'm shaking as I'm writing this post, by the way. Just thinking and writing about this experience makes me proud, nervous, emotional...shaky).
So clearly, I knew this actor was someone special, so I thought I would be bolder. I asked "can I give you a shirt?" He said yes/of course/yea/sure...one of those words...maybe? So I reached into my purse and took out a Team Gillybean shirt. I brought it along, just in case it ended up being a special experience, which it clearly was. I told him this was my team shirt from Light the Night and we won a contest for best t-shirt design in NJ. I pointed out the cancer ribbons on the jellybeans. I don't know if he responded to that, but I do remember he asked: "Are you Gilly?" I said yes, I'm Gillian. Then I guess I asked him if I could take a picture and I turned around and asked Chris to take the picture. I felt so weird smiling next to him, because I knew he wasn't really smiling in pictures with fans. I almost regretted asking for a picture with him, but ultimately, I'm glad I have it. I knew it was time for him to move on, so as he started making his way to more fans, I thanked him again for sharing his story and he....smiled? Said you're welcome? Said thank you?
It's amazing how I was so concentrated on what I was saying that I barely remember if he said anything back, but I won't forget his eyes.
Thank you Michael C. Hall for taking the time to listen. And thank YOU for reading. Now we all have to be on the lookout for a paparazzi photo of him wearing the Team Gillybean shirt! :-) And, please, please, consider donating if you have read to the end! My birthday is April 24th and I would love nothing more than to receive a donation to the LLS from you!
Saturday afternoon, I met up with a friend from college to see The Realistic Joneses on Broadway. The cast is incredible: Tracy Letts, Marisa Tomei, Toni Collette, and Michael C. Hall. If you follow my Facebook page for Team Gillybean, you'll know I posted a while ago that I became a big fan of the TV show Dexter shortly after I started my chemotherapy treatments and would often watch at night to keep my mind off of treatments/side effects/life. It wasn't until I was halfway through the series that I was told that Michael C. Hall (Dexter) had cancer during the filming, and I later found out it was Hodgkin's Lymphoma and that he was an ambassador for Light the Night in 2011. So, I really wanted to see the show so I could see Michael C. Hall perform live.
I don't know if anyone else has gone through an experience like this, but I immediately felt a weird
"connection" with the actor on a different level, knowing that not only did he go through cancer treatments, but he had the same cancer I had. As far as I knew, I had never seen him in any other shows (perhaps bits of Six Feet Under) and knew very little about him. I quickly found out that he survived Hodgkin's Lymphoma, accepted his Golden Globe wearing a cap because he lost his hair during chemotherapy, continued working on Dexter wearing a wig, and became a spokesperson for Light the Night/LLS.
After I finished Dexter the series, I realized he was appearing in NYC and I knew I wanted to see it. I had a crazy idea that I could meet him at the stage door and tell him how appreciative I was that he shared his personal experiences with cancer. In one interview I found online, he said he wanted to share because he thought it might help other people who were also dealing with the disease. I thought, 'why not?! It might be the one chance I'll ever get.'
So, my friend Chris and I met up on sunny Saturday afternoon. I was already very emotional, thinking I might meet Michael C. Hall (can I call him Michael for the rest of this post?), but even themes within the play hit close to home. I laughed, I cried.
My friend knew exactly where the stage door was (I would have never found it without him!), so we waited there with all the other fans. Eventually many more people made their way to the stage door (how do people know where these things are?!).
Michael.....C. Hall (okay, I can't do it without the C. Hall) was the first one out. Chris was nudging me to
get closer to the front and take out my playbill so he could sign, but I was wary of this. I never like being associated with other fans at stage doors, waving camera phones and playbills at the actors. I knew I wanted my talk with him to be special, but I didn't know if it was possible. Some actors are too busy/impatient/arrogant to even take pictures with fans, so I watched him to see if I could figure out what 'kind' of celebrity he was. He was signing autographs and taking pictures with every person (good sign!), but he didn't seem to really be smiling in the pictures (bad sign?), so I thought 'unfriendly/hates taking pictures/no way he will talk to me.'
When he made his way to my side, I waited for him to sign a few autographs, I briefly made eye contact with him, before I made my way to the front. Deep breath. Now was my time to be bold. He was holding a Sharpie pen in his right hand, ready to sign Playbills, but instead of handing him my Playbill, I offered my hand. So, yea, I shook his hand with the Sharpie in it. :-)
I don't remember how I started. I think (I hope...) I said "I admire your work" and very quickly told him "In September, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma." He said "Oh, you were?" And I continued to tell him how Dexter was my go-to show after chemotherapy, that I didn't know he was also diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma until halfway through the series and when I found out, watching him on the show had so much more meaning. I told him I did some "Youtube stalking" (exact words, that much I know) and that it was great to watch his interviews and be able to relate to him; that the feelings he was going through are ones that I am going through and it meant everything that he shared his story.
It was mostly quiet all around us. Everyone was looking on and I knew this, but I didn't stop telling him how I felt. Chris told me after the experience, that he could tell that people surrounding us could tell we were having a special moment-- except for one random guy, who pushed his way to the front to take a "selfie" with Michael C. Hall. And that was the only time he ever looked away from me. I know the experience will be blurry to me soon, but the one thing I will not forget are his eyes. He did not look away and was completely engaged in what I was saying. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they look at you and how they listen.
At some point while I was talking, he leaned over the railing, and hugged me. Maybe he said something before that? I think it was a nice hug, but I was so shocked, I can hardly remember it two days later! (I'm shaking as I'm writing this post, by the way. Just thinking and writing about this experience makes me proud, nervous, emotional...shaky).
So clearly, I knew this actor was someone special, so I thought I would be bolder. I asked "can I give you a shirt?" He said yes/of course/yea/sure...one of those words...maybe? So I reached into my purse and took out a Team Gillybean shirt. I brought it along, just in case it ended up being a special experience, which it clearly was. I told him this was my team shirt from Light the Night and we won a contest for best t-shirt design in NJ. I pointed out the cancer ribbons on the jellybeans. I don't know if he responded to that, but I do remember he asked: "Are you Gilly?" I said yes, I'm Gillian. Then I guess I asked him if I could take a picture and I turned around and asked Chris to take the picture. I felt so weird smiling next to him, because I knew he wasn't really smiling in pictures with fans. I almost regretted asking for a picture with him, but ultimately, I'm glad I have it. I knew it was time for him to move on, so as he started making his way to more fans, I thanked him again for sharing his story and he....smiled? Said you're welcome? Said thank you?
It's amazing how I was so concentrated on what I was saying that I barely remember if he said anything back, but I won't forget his eyes.
Thank you Michael C. Hall for taking the time to listen. And thank YOU for reading. Now we all have to be on the lookout for a paparazzi photo of him wearing the Team Gillybean shirt! :-) And, please, please, consider donating if you have read to the end! My birthday is April 24th and I would love nothing more than to receive a donation to the LLS from you!
With appreciation,
Gillian
Saturday, April 12, 2014
12 of...?
I made it. Yesterday was 12 out of 12. Possibly 16. But hey, I made it! Everyone said six months would fly by and it sure did. On April 24th, I will get a CT/PET scan and find out the results and if I have to continue with 2 more cycles (4 treatments). I know for sure that I will be done by June and that is amazing.
Last night, my biggest fans were over and after a little nap we played Telestrations. So fun!
I have to bring up the hair loss again. Whether you lose your hair completely at the beginning, middle, or end of treatments, or even if you don't, I believe that the hair loss is one of the worst, if not the worst, side effect of chemotherapy (for women and I'm sure men, as well). It has been an interesting, stressful, annoying journey with my hair these past six months. Not a day has gone by that I don't think about my hair: losing it and seeing it all over my clothes and floors, "styling" it so I can cover the thinning areas, and not washing it often, hoping it will prevent it from falling more. If I have to continue treatments, I am uncertain it will stay. Uncertainty has been the worst part of this! But it's hanging on, I'm hanging in. It will all be okay.
Monday, April 7, 2014
April
I have really neglected this blog for almost a month! Sorry about that.
I've been busy with getting my survey thesis sent out-- to directors of choirs for people with aphasia!
This is my poster that will be displayed at the university's research days (April 30th) and at the NJ Speech and Hearing convention (May 1st). Since I've had the poster printed, I've received 8 more results, so that is exciting.
My own "aphasia choirs" are going well. We will be performing at the end of semester party May 12th and May 13th. I've joined a Google plus community with these choirs and it is exciting to be able to collaborate with people living in Australia!
I do still have my hair, although it is getting much thinner. My hairdresser/wig expert suggested using a keratin hair powder, which I've been using to cover up the thinning patches. It really does work. It is just annoying. The hair loss is annoying.
This is from a few weeks ago:
Crossing fingers that my LAST TREATMENT will be THIS Friday, April 11th!! There is still a chance I have to continue for two more months and if that's the case...I will DEFINITELY be done by JUNE! YEA!
Thinking back to September/October and everyone told me the time would fly by-- well, it sure has. Thanks for taking this trip with me and supporting me the whole way.
I've been busy with getting my survey thesis sent out-- to directors of choirs for people with aphasia!
This is my poster that will be displayed at the university's research days (April 30th) and at the NJ Speech and Hearing convention (May 1st). Since I've had the poster printed, I've received 8 more results, so that is exciting.
My own "aphasia choirs" are going well. We will be performing at the end of semester party May 12th and May 13th. I've joined a Google plus community with these choirs and it is exciting to be able to collaborate with people living in Australia!
I do still have my hair, although it is getting much thinner. My hairdresser/wig expert suggested using a keratin hair powder, which I've been using to cover up the thinning patches. It really does work. It is just annoying. The hair loss is annoying.
This is from a few weeks ago:
It's like magic. Also, it's magic that I have that much hair towards the end of my treatment. Strong hair roots, I guess. All my unwanted facial hair is still growing. What?!
Crossing fingers that my LAST TREATMENT will be THIS Friday, April 11th!! There is still a chance I have to continue for two more months and if that's the case...I will DEFINITELY be done by JUNE! YEA!
Thinking back to September/October and everyone told me the time would fly by-- well, it sure has. Thanks for taking this trip with me and supporting me the whole way.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Fundraising Ideas #1 and #2
If you're new to this blog, welcome and feel free to say hello!
Last week, I had the privilege of meeting with two New Jersey Light the Night representatives and got some fantastic ideas for fundraising this year. In one month, my team raised over $8,000 for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society and I hope we will be able to raise just as much--or more--since I am beginning to fund-raise much earlier this year.
I've been posting on Facebook in a new Team Gillybean group I created a couple weeks ago. Here is the link: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Team-Gillybean/1471477149746725?ref=hl
My first ideas for fundraising:
Last week, I had the privilege of meeting with two New Jersey Light the Night representatives and got some fantastic ideas for fundraising this year. In one month, my team raised over $8,000 for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society and I hope we will be able to raise just as much--or more--since I am beginning to fund-raise much earlier this year.
I've been posting on Facebook in a new Team Gillybean group I created a couple weeks ago. Here is the link: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Team-Gillybean/1471477149746725?ref=hl
My first ideas for fundraising:
Yankee Candle fundraising is new to me, but Team Gillybean/LLS will get 40% of the profit! That is a great deal! I have 10 seller packets, if you would like to help sell IN PERSON, otherwise, please use the link http://tiny.cc/teamgillybeancandles and don't forget to use our
GROUP NUMBER: 99006317.
In-person fundraising ends April 14th, but it looks like online will continue through July.
Deadlines: Order by March 21st for Easter and April 11th for Mother's Day
And for my fundraising idea #3: Would anyone buy Jelly Belly jelly beans for Easter from me? I am thinking of ordering boxes of 10 flavors each, sell for $10 a box. If there is enough interest, I will do it!
Thanks for your support!
Gillian
Monday, March 10, 2014
To shave or not to shave?
My hair is falling out more and more these days. It is everywhere! It's all over the backs of my shirts and coats, it's on the floor, in the sink, in my food... blech! Surprisingly, though, I still have enough on my head so that the thinning isn't noticeable.
I've read a lot of blogs/websites/articles that say people going through chemotherapy treatments will often cut or shave their hair before it falls out so that they feel "in control." Well, my co-worker said to me last week, "that might be true, but it could also be true that keeping your hair is another way you stay 'in control.'"
So, part of me want to get rid of my hair so I don't have to worry about it (and seeing it) falling out. But mostly, I want to keep it. I have an appointment this week with my wig shop friend and I want to see what she thinks, too.
My friend, Julie, writes a beautiful blog and if you have a moment to check out her thoughts, here is the link: http://juliehappenings.blogspot.com/. She wrote tonight about grief and while I am not strictly talking about grief in my post (or am I? The loss of my hair has surely caused me grief), this quote really stood out to me:
"No one is allowed to tell you what you should feel, ever. Or what you should do next. You get a free pass to make those decisions 100% selfishly."
I hear opinions from others about what to do with my hair and it's fine, even if I do feel a little insecure or angry (see previous posts). I just have to remember that the decision is up to me and only me.
But a little voice inside says...help?
I've read a lot of blogs/websites/articles that say people going through chemotherapy treatments will often cut or shave their hair before it falls out so that they feel "in control." Well, my co-worker said to me last week, "that might be true, but it could also be true that keeping your hair is another way you stay 'in control.'"
So, part of me want to get rid of my hair so I don't have to worry about it (and seeing it) falling out. But mostly, I want to keep it. I have an appointment this week with my wig shop friend and I want to see what she thinks, too.
My friend, Julie, writes a beautiful blog and if you have a moment to check out her thoughts, here is the link: http://juliehappenings.blogspot.com/. She wrote tonight about grief and while I am not strictly talking about grief in my post (or am I? The loss of my hair has surely caused me grief), this quote really stood out to me:
"No one is allowed to tell you what you should feel, ever. Or what you should do next. You get a free pass to make those decisions 100% selfishly."
I hear opinions from others about what to do with my hair and it's fine, even if I do feel a little insecure or angry (see previous posts). I just have to remember that the decision is up to me and only me.
But a little voice inside says...help?
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Results
My parents and boyfriend joined me at my appointment before treatment yesterday so we could hear the results of the CT scan from this week.
The results are good, the lymph nodes are still shrinking. We learned that the masses inside the nodes will never completely disappear because of scar tissue. It gets a little confusing here, because while this is good news, it still opens up a chance of having to go through two additional cycles after my next two cycles, when we were all hoping to be done by April. This would mean four additional treatments at the hospital, meaning two extra months. This is not what we were hoping to hear. I had a little cry while I listened to the doctor.
It seemed odd to hear I could possibly get more treatments if the lymph nodes are still shrinking. But what we really want is to see is that the lymph nodes are unchanged from scan to scan, because it means the drugs have completely destroyed the disease and it can't get any smaller.
So, if the scan after my next four treatments comes back unchanged from this week's scan, it means there is no more disease that could be killed and I'm done with treatments. If changes are reported, I will need to extend my treatments for two more months.
It's not what we all wanted to hear, but it's best that my doctor prepared us for what could be! No one goes over 8 cycles (16 treatments), so even if I do have to continue, I will be done by June.
The first thought that popped into my head was, of course, 'my hair!' I think I have enough to last me for two months, but four?! I guess it's time I go back to the wig shop-- just in case.
Otherwise I'm feeling pretty good after yesterday's treatment. I felt a little light- headed last night while hanging out with mom, dad, and my friend Joan. I'm hungry this morning, so that's a good thing. Sometimes when I don't have a great appetite or what seems like my taste buds aren't working, I will eat Cheetos for the crunch and the flavor. I had a chocolate donut after dinner last night that tasted so bland! (And I sure do love my chocolate donuts!)
I think I'll find something to eat or just go back to bed for a while. Thanks for your support, blog readers and friends!
Next treatment: Friday, March 14th.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Blogging is hard
It is hard to keep up with a blog. I'm currently in an online course, which is about contemporary issues in Speech-Language Pathology (SLP). Everyone in the program has complained about this course, so I've been dreading it for quite some time. I even complain about it every so often because the discussion posts by my fellow classmates are just so dull and repetitive sometimes. However, I just finished my post for this week's lecture, so I feel a sense of accomplishment (although I wish it didn't take me longer than 30 minutes...it usually does). This week's lecture is about marketing for our business/private practice and it's hard work to keep up with promoting for yourself. It's not that I'm promoting myself or this blog, but I do like to update my followers regularly, which just hasn't been happening. I see my blog has been getting quite a bit of views, so I wonder who is reading.
Everything has been going very well. Classes are good. I finally was able to send in my thesis topic for approval from my university, but I will have to wait a month before I find out if it's approved and I can actually start my study. It will be survey sent out to directors of aphasia choirs around the world. I'll have to present my data in April at my university and in May at the NJ conference for SLPs. I am even interested in starting a new project, involving the general public's knowledge of aphasia.
My graduate assistantship is a way to keep me busy 2-3 days out of the week. My supervisor wants to start writing an article together about voice disorders.
I've been editing a story that my friends and I wrote last summer on a road trip. This story is probably what makes me most "happy," because I'm totally immersed in editing and my mind is completely away from cancer treatments and its effects. I'm hoping one day I can send the story to an editor to be published as a children's picture book. It seems really far-fetched and silly to think I can do something like this, but...."You must do the things you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt
Today was the first day I noticed my armpit hair is not growing. I don't mind that at all, but the fact is that my head hair is falling out more than usual and it is really starting to bother me. Everyone gives different advice. Some say to only brush my hair once a day, but I DO NOT WANT TO BRUSH MY HAIR EVER AGAIN! The brush/pick will only pull out more hair and I don't like it. A lot of people, including the nurse practitioner, have said "you won't lose it." And I just want to yell out, "how do YOU know?!?!" I think the best thing you can say to me right now is that "you look great, I can't tell you're losing it, or you will look beautiful no matter what." But saying I won't lose my hair actually makes me angry and anxious. I was very upset with the nurse who said that two months ago, because it just gave me false hope. Even if I don't end up losing it completely, I know that it IS thinning. And if you are one of those people, just know that I still love you very much and appreciate that you're thinking of me. :)
I have only been washing with baby shampoo/hair loss shampoo two times a week, brushing or running my fingers through it only after a shower, and clipping it back with hair clips to avoid running my hand through it (especially when I'm nervous or doing a mindless task). I think I'll just continue with the clips for as long as I can. It looks terrible, but honestly, I don't care and I don't think anyone else should either. If they knew how I feel every minute of the day because I notice more hairs than usual on my shoulders and clothes and that my fear of being bald creeps into my thoughts every now and then, they would understand and let me keep my new bed head look!
It does make me laugh, though, because mom and I think the reason I've held onto my head hair for so long is the same reason why the unwanted hair on my body has been so stubborn all my life! I've tried professional and home laser treatments, waxing, depilatory creams, shaving.... and they have never worked for me long term. So, I say thank you to whatever weird hairy body genes I have for letting me keep my head hair for long throughout treatments!! :) :)
Next treatment: Friday, February 28th. (9 out of 12)
Everything has been going very well. Classes are good. I finally was able to send in my thesis topic for approval from my university, but I will have to wait a month before I find out if it's approved and I can actually start my study. It will be survey sent out to directors of aphasia choirs around the world. I'll have to present my data in April at my university and in May at the NJ conference for SLPs. I am even interested in starting a new project, involving the general public's knowledge of aphasia.
My graduate assistantship is a way to keep me busy 2-3 days out of the week. My supervisor wants to start writing an article together about voice disorders.
I've been editing a story that my friends and I wrote last summer on a road trip. This story is probably what makes me most "happy," because I'm totally immersed in editing and my mind is completely away from cancer treatments and its effects. I'm hoping one day I can send the story to an editor to be published as a children's picture book. It seems really far-fetched and silly to think I can do something like this, but...."You must do the things you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt
Today was the first day I noticed my armpit hair is not growing. I don't mind that at all, but the fact is that my head hair is falling out more than usual and it is really starting to bother me. Everyone gives different advice. Some say to only brush my hair once a day, but I DO NOT WANT TO BRUSH MY HAIR EVER AGAIN! The brush/pick will only pull out more hair and I don't like it. A lot of people, including the nurse practitioner, have said "you won't lose it." And I just want to yell out, "how do YOU know?!?!" I think the best thing you can say to me right now is that "you look great, I can't tell you're losing it, or you will look beautiful no matter what." But saying I won't lose my hair actually makes me angry and anxious. I was very upset with the nurse who said that two months ago, because it just gave me false hope. Even if I don't end up losing it completely, I know that it IS thinning. And if you are one of those people, just know that I still love you very much and appreciate that you're thinking of me. :)
I have only been washing with baby shampoo/hair loss shampoo two times a week, brushing or running my fingers through it only after a shower, and clipping it back with hair clips to avoid running my hand through it (especially when I'm nervous or doing a mindless task). I think I'll just continue with the clips for as long as I can. It looks terrible, but honestly, I don't care and I don't think anyone else should either. If they knew how I feel every minute of the day because I notice more hairs than usual on my shoulders and clothes and that my fear of being bald creeps into my thoughts every now and then, they would understand and let me keep my new bed head look!
It does make me laugh, though, because mom and I think the reason I've held onto my head hair for so long is the same reason why the unwanted hair on my body has been so stubborn all my life! I've tried professional and home laser treatments, waxing, depilatory creams, shaving.... and they have never worked for me long term. So, I say thank you to whatever weird hairy body genes I have for letting me keep my head hair for long throughout treatments!! :) :)
Next treatment: Friday, February 28th. (9 out of 12)
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Port Authority
I thought I would share with you a little information about the port that is used to transfer all the chemotherapy goodies into my body.
First, here is a picture:
It was hard for me to get a picture that accurately shows what it looks like, but this is close.
There is a scar above where the needle goes in. There seem to be three little "balls" in triangle form that protrude from under the skin, but it isn't noticeable under my clothes. You can barely make out the catheter that goes up to the round scar on my neck. It looks like a vein.
Today for the first time, I gently laid my hand over the port and felt it with my palm. I have been very hesitant to touch the area because it feels very strange to me. Sometimes I accidentally brush it with my hand and get startled.
As I've mentioned before, the nurse sprays a freezing agent on the area (which sometimes burns) before putting in the needle (which does not hurt).
I'm not actually sure what material the port is made out of, but from the way it looks (those three little balls), I joke that I feel like a robot. :)
Next treatment (7 out of 12): tomorrow! January 31 around 1pm.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Chemo brain
Wow I posted about being halfway there yesterday morning and I don't remember a thing. Talk about my first "real" experience with chemo brain!!! LOL :)
Vocal rest
Shirt by Alyssa Brode Design!
But I don't have anything to cry about today. I had a great visit today from Christina and I can't say enough how much I love this girl and treasure our (almost 20 year) friendship. Now that she lives far out in PA, I enjoy every minute I get to spend with her!
My sister went back to college today. I start school on Wednesday, but I have the best schedule ever. Two online half-semester courses, one in-person class half-semester course (done in March) and a full semester PIANO course! I'm so excited! Since I will be finished with my required speech courses, I figured why not pick up a piano elective! I've been wanting to play again and now is my chance.
Oh also this Tuesday, I am interviewing for my "dream" internship to take place in the fall. I'm going to spend a day observing and interview at the end of the day.
And two more big things... 1. I am halfway through my treatments!!! 2. I still have my hair!! I never imagined I would hang into it for this long. Crossing fingers it will just thin out and I won't need to wear a wig, but if I do, that's okay too. I've got a great one picked out.
Thanks for reading and have a great week.
G
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