Fourth Treatment

...means I'm 1/4... No! 1/3 of the way through treatments!

I was feeling much more anxious and emotional before (and after) this one. I left work Friday at noon and just burst out into tears for no reason at all, other than I was happy because I have wonderful coworkers and a supportive supervisor and sad probably because I had to go back for treatment, after being away for nearly a week and a half.

The doctor was surprised once again that I have my hair. I gained 3 pounds! They gave me Ativan through my IV which made me lightheaded and sleepy, so I slept for about an hour of treatment. I was so sluggish and still feeling emotional, so I decided not to head out to my friends' quartet gig at a local Starbucks. I did get a recording and they sounded great! Hopefully their next gig isn't right after a treatment. I feel pretty lousy the first few days afterwards. I don't get sick, but usually have this weird feeling usually in my mouth and throat. (The doctor said dry throat is normal with this chemotherapy. I am tracking this on a calendar, and I'm interested to see if the dry/tight throat pattern continues on Day 3-4 of this round). I also missed out on a rehearsal at the Stevenson's church for their annual Christmas Cantata tomorrow morning, but I will be going to their annual Ceilidh gathering this evening with my family! They are like family to me and I love this party every Christmas!

I still have some leftover school work to do for my first half semester and thesis, but I will have plenty of time after the holidays.

Is anyone traveling for the holidays this year?

Making excuses

I've always felt bad about making "excuses" for not being able to do something or go somewhere or why I'm feeling the way I do.

My co-workers say 'I can't believe you're working!' and I can't think of not working during this time, especially if I'm not feeling half bad. Even when I'm having a tired, I-don't-feel-like-doing-anything day, I think of it as just being lazy. Even when I'm feeling a little achy at the end of the day, it's nothing I can't handle. I almost asked to leave work early on Friday, but I told myself: 'take some Advil and move on!' The chemotherapy has nothing to do with it.

My mom says I shouldn't lift heavy objects like my books or laptop and she insists on helping me because of the port in my chest. And even though it's a valid reason (yes, I could hurt myself by damaging the port somehow), I still feel the need to lift my bags. The port is just an excuse to have other people carry my bags and feel bad for me, right? The port has nothing to do with it.

While I was getting tested and before my diagnosis, I kept thinking that it couldn't, wouldn't be cancer. The swollen lymph node was the primary symptom and although fatigue was another symptom, I've always been tired and enjoyed napping during the day. I thought I was overreacting. I've always been a lazy bum! Cancer had nothing to do with it.

I still think this way two months after I've been diagnosed and I'm trying to get over it. Cancer as just an "excuse." I think: 'I'm strong and I can do everything I need to, just like before my diagnosis. And if I can't, then I need to try harder!'

So, I couldn't sleep last night and thought I should take an Ativan, which I was given for nausea and anxiety, but I didn't believe I was truly anxious. Sometimes I'm awake in bed at the end of the day, thinking about things, which is normal, right? We all do it. Last night I was making another excuse for myself: 'I'm not anxious, I don't need that pill. I need to save it for the days when I'm really anxious, this is nothing.' But I was still wide awake thinking and when 2am approached, I decided I would take the pill and stop not giving myself what I need. I had a craving to watch a Tyler Perry Madea movie because I'd never seen one (it was as goofy as I thought it would be), so I took the pill, put the movie on, and within thirty minutes, I was out. I woke up late and felt rested. So, I think the drug helped. I need to accept that it's okay to have a little help, even if it comes in the form of a tiny pill.

Sometimes I do want to make an excuse and say "I can't do this, I have cancer, feel bad for me!" but doesn't everybody have something that is hurting them in some way? I tell my friends, co-workers, and students in the program where I work that I have been feeling great, because 1) I have! and 2) I don't want to give people an excuse to feel sad for me, because these people might be hurting, too. Physically, emotionally, mentally. We all hurt. So who am I to hurt more than anyone else?

I still want to be invited to events and dinners, even if I feel like declining because of my "laziness" or my need to be a complete introvert sometimes (okay, more than sometimes...I very often want to stay at home in my pajamas all day...). I never wanted it to be because of the cancer. But sometimes, maybe it is because cancer has everything to do with it. And that's okay.
 

Thanksgiving and Third Treatment

Time is flying. I can't believe Thanksgiving week is over and it's now December 7th. I couldn't be more thankful for my family who traveled from Pittsburgh, Massachusetts, and Florida to have Thanksgiving in New Jersey and for the Kucsans for continuing the tradition of stopping by for dessert at our home! (I will post pictures as soon as I transfer them to my computer.)

Kids table! :)

Monday after Thanksgiving I presented my thesis project in front of the faculty and classmates. It was only a five minute presentation with Powerpoint, but who doesn't get a little bit nervous presenting? I did well and am very proud of myself for not delaying this presentation until the following year. Here is the title page for my PPT:

I'm so excited to start researching more and writing over winter break. After I presented, I had a quick lunch at home, then headed to the hospital for my third treatment. The Lesters arrived shortly after we did for Mr. Lester's treatment, and I was really happy to be able to share that time with them and share our experiences.

I think ABVD (chemotherapy drugs adriamycin, bleomycin, vinblastine and dacarbazin) may be cumulative, but I'm not sure. I plan to ask my doctor next time. Having treatment on Monday instead of at the end of the week messed up my schedule, because I was feeling tired and "blah" on Tuesday and Wednesday- days I usually work and have class. I did go to class Wednesday night, but chewed on saltines and mint gum the entire time to feel better. I haven't felt nauseous/nauseated (which one is it, Alyssa? :), to the point of getting sick, but the first few days after chemotherapy, I have a funny feeling in my mouth, so chewing gum and crackers really helps! I've also felt a "tightness" of my throat sometime during days 3-4 after the past two treatments. I'm also going to ask my doctor about this. Drinking water and sucking on ice pops has helped alleviate this dry throat feeling. Today, Saturday (5 days after), I feel pretty normal.

So, I'm anxiously awaiting the morning I wake up with a clump of hair on my pillow. It's been about 37 days since my first treatment and I haven't experienced significant loss (and maybe I haven't washed or brushed my hair in a few days...hopeful preventive measures??). I'm trying not to run my fingers through it to see if I'm losing any of it, but I'm curious. It seems that I am losing the "normal" amount of hair that I've always lost after combing or washing my hair. My doctor walked into the office on Monday and said "you still have hair!" which made me laugh. I'm not holding my breath that it will be there for my next treatment and am prepared to lose it (but not really prepared at all). I've been Google searching "hair loss and ABVD" and it seems like everyone reacts differently to the regimen.

3 down, 9 more. 1/3 of the way through! Next treatment: Friday, December 20th.

Love,
Gilly

A New Look! (And second treatment)

I did it! Well, my hairdresser/wig consultant did it! She cut eight inches and I am excited to donate it. It will take me some time to get used to the new look and I'm really interested in seeing what it will look like when I let it curl naturally!
                                                                                                                                                                           

Before!

After!

Looks cute with my bangs and clipped in the back.

 My second treatment went well. I kept telling myself, 'it didn't hurt the first time, so it won't hurt this time'- and it didn't. The port in my chest is really amazing. The nurse sprays the area to numb/chill and after I take a deep breath in, she puts the needle in. It is painless, so I just need to remind myself of this every time I go in for a treatment. The time really flies. I had lunch, watched a little tv, but mostly just chilled out and thought about things. Two down! 

Today after the haircut and trying on wigs (I think I found the one for me!), mom took us winter coat shopping. I'm really OCD when it comes to clothes and sizes, but the first one I saw was the perfect coat in a beautiful plum color. (But still couldn't decide on a size!) It's very cute and I'm happy. Thank you mom. :) Juls and I relaxed tonight and watched a movie...but I fell asleep about halfway through with this little guy: 

Aww! Happiness is a warm puppy. (Peanuts) 

I've been having a great week at my assistantship. I've been working one-on-one with my supervisor, helping to edit an article for submission to a nursing journal. We are going to begin writing an article about voice disorders and she wants me to be her second author. I am thrilled for this opportunity. I think we will really start working over winter break, when the office isn't so busy. I've also been doing well in school, although I need to do a little catch-up work for my first half semester course. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel a little more motivated.

Thanks for reading, friends! Hope you are all well!
Gillian

The hairy truth

Hi everyone. I've had a mostly uneventful week, but have been getting little reminders from you that it's time to update!

I really have been feeling like normal. I've been working at my GA and attending class (got a 100 on my first quiz!). Over the weekend, I got to catch up with my fun friend Andie and hear Tim and our friends sing a beautiful concert of Britten music. 

Mom and I also visited a new wig shop. The weirdest and scariest part of this is dealing with the hair loss. I believe there is a stigma that people with cancer are sick and they are sick because they look sick and they look sick because they don't have hair. I don't think of my own cancer experience as being sick because I just don't feel that way now. Before I was diagnosed, I didn't believe I could have cancer because I didn't "feel" the way people with cancer usually "look." I didn't have any symptoms, other than the swollen lymph node. Instead of thinking of myself as sick, I think of myself as healing. However, when I start losing my hair and either going bald, wearing wigs, or wearing caps and scarves, people will notice. People will begin to think of me as sick. This is largely why I have kept my diagnosis confidential from my classmates, except for a handful of closest friends. I don't want to be thought of as "sick."

I'm watching a show on Netflix and a character was diagnosed with cancer. As I watched her struggle with the effects of chemotherapy and I feel very fortunate; I know many people suffer more than I do every day. My hope is that I will be in healing mode for the next six months and my hair loss will be the worst part of the process. 

That night, after visiting the wig shop, I watched the character experience denial, fear, shame, and acceptance of her hair loss. I know there is nothing to prepare me for my own loss. I can read about how others managed, look at pictures of beautiful bald women, or even try out a "bald app" on my phone (those pictures didn't turn out so well), but ultimately I will just have to see what happens and how I feel when I get there.  

I feel like I was placed in my district for my internship for a reason. There is a beautiful young teacher recovering from leukemia who gave me the information about the wig shop and owner and I am so thankful to have been led there. The owner, who is also a hairdresser, gave me new insights on selecting and wearing wigs, such as wearing hair accessories in my wigs. The most important thing though, before making my wig selection, is deciding what I want to do with my hair. 

Donating my hair is important to me, so that is a huge consideration. Part of my hesitation at this point are the "what ifs" of hair loss- what if I don't lose it, what if it only thins and I don't lose it completely? Also, the "when." When will I start losing it? Two weeks? Three? Another part affecting my decision to donate now, is that I have been afraid to cut it short and draw attention to myself in class, then show up two weeks later with a longer wig. 

I have done a lot of thinking this week and I am beginning to accept and understand that it isn't about what my classmates/society thinks, but it is about how I feel. 

I've been growing my hair for two years since my last donation. I wanted to donate it at the end of the summer but never had the chance. Well, now is my chance. Not only to donate my hair before I start losing it, but to take this opportunity to see what I look and feel like with a short haircut. And maybe even a Mohawk. ;)

Next treatment is this Friday, November 15th! Then it is Monday, December 2 (had to change some things around due to Thanksgiving). 

Love to all!

Gillian

Reiki Healing

I've been feeling good the past few days. Friday after my first treatment, I went back to the hospital for a Neulasta shot, which increases the amount of white blood cells and reduces the risk of infection after chemotherapy. The most common side effect is aching in the bones and I definitely felt that Saturday and Sunday. So I took some Advil and rested in bed when I felt achy.

Sunday, Laura, my mom, and I went to a Reiki healing session. This was my first time, so I can't really explain the technique until I know more about it, but there is a lot of information on the web! It seems to be a spiritual relaxation technique that promotes healing through energy (thank you Laura for the definition :). While laying on the massage table, two women performed the technique by guiding their hands about a half inch above my body, sometimes lightly touching places like my hair and feet.

So, my mom and one of the nurse practitioners has told me that they during past Reiki sessions, they have "felt" the energy throughout their body or leaving/entering their body, so they believe in the technique. I can't say for sure what I felt, but at one point the healer asked me if I felt something in my foot, especially my right foot, because her right hand itched when she passed her hands above my feet. I thought that this was crazy, like a ouija board or something, because how in the world would she know about my feet?! Could she really "feel" the "pain" or itch?! For over a year now, my toes (only on my right foot) will occasionally itch and usually when it happens, it is an intense itch. (Mom thinks it could be the nervous system, not athlete's foot.) I don't know what the healer actually felt, but it's got me thinking.......

Do any of you have experience with Reiki?

After Reiki, we made applesauce and it was delicious! I really enjoyed catching up with Laura. We had a special day. :)

Laura bought me that beautiful scarf and showed me new ways to tie it!!

Day 2

Day 1 after chemotherapy (Day 2 total?) and I am feeling pretty good. I had to schedule an ultrasound of my abdomen for this morning, since I was experiencing discomfort (bloating) since I had my eggs retrieved last week. That was expected, but we wanted to get it checked out anyway. Despite delays because of a too-vague ultrasound prescription, it went okay and I'm feeling okay. Mom and I are going back to the hospital later this afternoon for a follow-up shot to increase my white blood cell count.

I got in a couple of hours of work today and registered for some classes for the spring. And Joan is coming over tonight, wahoo! Excited to spend time with her!

Update: Yay friends! So grateful to have her company tonight. Much needed roomie reunion!