Halfway there!

Yesterday marked the halfway point of my treatments! I have 3 more cycles to go (remember that's 6 rounds of chemotherapy visits). 

And I still have my hair! This part is truly amazing to me. I'm still being very cautious by not brushing or washing often, although the nurse practitioner for two weeks has said I won't lose it (knock on wood). Hair is still growing on my legs, too, which I was also expecting to lose right away. 

Everyone reacts differently to treatment, especially the ABVD treatment I'm receiving, I guess. 

Last night after chemotherapy was rough. My stomach wasn't quite settled. I did not get sick, but didn't have a great appetite. The only "foods" I was in the mood for were cheese doodles, skittles, and oatmeal lovingly made my by mom! 

I slept very well after taking anti-anxiety/nausea medications. Today I was up early and am in the mood for some carbs and protein! Egg on a bagel, maybe. :) My stomach feels much better.

What are your plans for the weekend? I'm thinking I might try to find some motivation to work on leftover homework for the fall semester and respond to emails. I hope my girlfriend Chrissy is feeling better!! She was supposed to come by for a visit, but might have the flu! :( I have to be extra careful around people and friends who are sick.

Whatever you do, I hope it makes you happy and finds you surrounded by good people! 

Next treatments (all around 1pm):

Friday, January 31

Friday, February 14 

Friday, February 28

Thanks for reading!

Love,

Gillian

isn't it ironic?

So after I posted my last blog about being willing to share my experiences with others, but not making any "friends" at chemotherapy, another doctor at the cancer center approached me while I was finishing treatment and said a young woman a few years younger than me was just diagnosed with Hodgkin lymphoma and would be starting the same treatment as I am on. She was just finishing with her bone marrow biopsy and was also interested in talking to me after my treatment. So, considering what I wrote about earlier, I don't know if that's irony, a coincidence, fate?

I went into her examination room after I finished my treatment and she had just finished the biopsy and I couldn't stop thinking about how cancer is hitting so many young people. 

I think I was a little loopy after treatment, but I told her a few things, showed her my port (which she said was much smaller than she expected, so I feel as if I've already helped), and asked if she had questions. Her first question was about the hair loss. I told her that this was my real hair and that I've been really lucky so far, but that it worries me every day. I knows everyone is so different and some people lose their hair much sooner, but that I am still trying to accept life as a person without hair, if or when that happens. It surely is the most difficult part of this process, especially for women.

It wasn't until we exchanged numbers and emails that we found out that we both graduated from the same high school and that she's knows some of my band friends. I texted her later that night with more info and advice, after I had taken another nap.

I didn't think I would meet someone so soon who is my age, with a similar diagnosis, starting the same regimen, and feeling the way I was feeling just a few months ago (and still do feel now). I feel comforted in a way, knowing that I can hopefully help this young woman and let her know that she (we) will be okay and get through this and come out even stronger on the other side.

Chemo small talk

Here I am, sitting for my fifth treatment (which really equals the beginning of my third cycle, but I like counting it out of 12 actual appointments). A woman next to me started to strike up conversation with me about the soap opera playing in the room. We chatted a little bit, she told me where I could find magazines, and just finished with her treatment. She left me with "keep your chin up and take it day by day." 

Friends and family who have gone through chemotherapy or know someone who had, have told me that I would make friends with the people I would be at chemotherapy with, but honestly, I haven't recognized anyone who is here the same time as me (plus the room is usually empty) and don't really know what appropriate "chemotherapy etiquette" is. Is it appropriate to ask where they are in treatments? What kind of cancer they have? How often do they come for treatments? I wouldn't mind if someone asked me those questions, but I am not ready to be the "asker" myself. (I can't think of a better word than "asker"- could be the meds?).

I've been very willing to share my experiences with others, but I'm not sure why it feels different with other patients with cancer. I almost feel like I'm not one of them-  my supervisor at my GA tells me I'm going through this like no one else she's ever seen with cancer. It's a combination of my attitude, general health, and haven't even lost my hair (yet)! I feel lousy the first few days after a treatment, but for the remainder of the week until my next treatment, I feel normal! (With the exception that I've been lazy over winter break- but hey, it is break after all.)

So, this is the beginning of the third cycle and there are six cycles. (AKA fifth treatment out of twelve.) My nurse practitioner said if I haven't lost my hair in clumps, then it won't happen that way. My hair, particularly unwanted facial hair, has always been stubborn, so maybe this is a good sign. 

The results of my CT scan last week are in: Chest looks "considerably improved" and swelling of spleen is "markedly reduced." This is great news! But we continue with the same regimen. 6 cycles, 12 appointments. Almost halfway there. 

And now I will drift off to a happy place...but before I do, I just want to thank everyone who has been following my blog and sending their love and support. Thank you!!! Zzzzz :)

Snow day

Hi everyone. Just a quick post to let you know my fifth treatment has been postponed to Monday due to the snow. 

I had a wonderful holiday with family and friends and I hope you did too. I will post more soon. 

Enjoy the snow! 

Fourth Treatment

...means I'm 1/4... No! 1/3 of the way through treatments!

I was feeling much more anxious and emotional before (and after) this one. I left work Friday at noon and just burst out into tears for no reason at all, other than I was happy because I have wonderful coworkers and a supportive supervisor and sad probably because I had to go back for treatment, after being away for nearly a week and a half.

The doctor was surprised once again that I have my hair. I gained 3 pounds! They gave me Ativan through my IV which made me lightheaded and sleepy, so I slept for about an hour of treatment. I was so sluggish and still feeling emotional, so I decided not to head out to my friends' quartet gig at a local Starbucks. I did get a recording and they sounded great! Hopefully their next gig isn't right after a treatment. I feel pretty lousy the first few days afterwards. I don't get sick, but usually have this weird feeling usually in my mouth and throat. (The doctor said dry throat is normal with this chemotherapy. I am tracking this on a calendar, and I'm interested to see if the dry/tight throat pattern continues on Day 3-4 of this round). I also missed out on a rehearsal at the Stevenson's church for their annual Christmas Cantata tomorrow morning, but I will be going to their annual Ceilidh gathering this evening with my family! They are like family to me and I love this party every Christmas!

I still have some leftover school work to do for my first half semester and thesis, but I will have plenty of time after the holidays.

Is anyone traveling for the holidays this year?

Making excuses

I've always felt bad about making "excuses" for not being able to do something or go somewhere or why I'm feeling the way I do.

My co-workers say 'I can't believe you're working!' and I can't think of not working during this time, especially if I'm not feeling half bad. Even when I'm having a tired, I-don't-feel-like-doing-anything day, I think of it as just being lazy. Even when I'm feeling a little achy at the end of the day, it's nothing I can't handle. I almost asked to leave work early on Friday, but I told myself: 'take some Advil and move on!' The chemotherapy has nothing to do with it.

My mom says I shouldn't lift heavy objects like my books or laptop and she insists on helping me because of the port in my chest. And even though it's a valid reason (yes, I could hurt myself by damaging the port somehow), I still feel the need to lift my bags. The port is just an excuse to have other people carry my bags and feel bad for me, right? The port has nothing to do with it.

While I was getting tested and before my diagnosis, I kept thinking that it couldn't, wouldn't be cancer. The swollen lymph node was the primary symptom and although fatigue was another symptom, I've always been tired and enjoyed napping during the day. I thought I was overreacting. I've always been a lazy bum! Cancer had nothing to do with it.

I still think this way two months after I've been diagnosed and I'm trying to get over it. Cancer as just an "excuse." I think: 'I'm strong and I can do everything I need to, just like before my diagnosis. And if I can't, then I need to try harder!'

So, I couldn't sleep last night and thought I should take an Ativan, which I was given for nausea and anxiety, but I didn't believe I was truly anxious. Sometimes I'm awake in bed at the end of the day, thinking about things, which is normal, right? We all do it. Last night I was making another excuse for myself: 'I'm not anxious, I don't need that pill. I need to save it for the days when I'm really anxious, this is nothing.' But I was still wide awake thinking and when 2am approached, I decided I would take the pill and stop not giving myself what I need. I had a craving to watch a Tyler Perry Madea movie because I'd never seen one (it was as goofy as I thought it would be), so I took the pill, put the movie on, and within thirty minutes, I was out. I woke up late and felt rested. So, I think the drug helped. I need to accept that it's okay to have a little help, even if it comes in the form of a tiny pill.

Sometimes I do want to make an excuse and say "I can't do this, I have cancer, feel bad for me!" but doesn't everybody have something that is hurting them in some way? I tell my friends, co-workers, and students in the program where I work that I have been feeling great, because 1) I have! and 2) I don't want to give people an excuse to feel sad for me, because these people might be hurting, too. Physically, emotionally, mentally. We all hurt. So who am I to hurt more than anyone else?

I still want to be invited to events and dinners, even if I feel like declining because of my "laziness" or my need to be a complete introvert sometimes (okay, more than sometimes...I very often want to stay at home in my pajamas all day...). I never wanted it to be because of the cancer. But sometimes, maybe it is because cancer has everything to do with it. And that's okay.
 

Thanksgiving and Third Treatment

Time is flying. I can't believe Thanksgiving week is over and it's now December 7th. I couldn't be more thankful for my family who traveled from Pittsburgh, Massachusetts, and Florida to have Thanksgiving in New Jersey and for the Kucsans for continuing the tradition of stopping by for dessert at our home! (I will post pictures as soon as I transfer them to my computer.)

Kids table! :)

Monday after Thanksgiving I presented my thesis project in front of the faculty and classmates. It was only a five minute presentation with Powerpoint, but who doesn't get a little bit nervous presenting? I did well and am very proud of myself for not delaying this presentation until the following year. Here is the title page for my PPT:

I'm so excited to start researching more and writing over winter break. After I presented, I had a quick lunch at home, then headed to the hospital for my third treatment. The Lesters arrived shortly after we did for Mr. Lester's treatment, and I was really happy to be able to share that time with them and share our experiences.

I think ABVD (chemotherapy drugs adriamycin, bleomycin, vinblastine and dacarbazin) may be cumulative, but I'm not sure. I plan to ask my doctor next time. Having treatment on Monday instead of at the end of the week messed up my schedule, because I was feeling tired and "blah" on Tuesday and Wednesday- days I usually work and have class. I did go to class Wednesday night, but chewed on saltines and mint gum the entire time to feel better. I haven't felt nauseous/nauseated (which one is it, Alyssa? :), to the point of getting sick, but the first few days after chemotherapy, I have a funny feeling in my mouth, so chewing gum and crackers really helps! I've also felt a "tightness" of my throat sometime during days 3-4 after the past two treatments. I'm also going to ask my doctor about this. Drinking water and sucking on ice pops has helped alleviate this dry throat feeling. Today, Saturday (5 days after), I feel pretty normal.

So, I'm anxiously awaiting the morning I wake up with a clump of hair on my pillow. It's been about 37 days since my first treatment and I haven't experienced significant loss (and maybe I haven't washed or brushed my hair in a few days...hopeful preventive measures??). I'm trying not to run my fingers through it to see if I'm losing any of it, but I'm curious. It seems that I am losing the "normal" amount of hair that I've always lost after combing or washing my hair. My doctor walked into the office on Monday and said "you still have hair!" which made me laugh. I'm not holding my breath that it will be there for my next treatment and am prepared to lose it (but not really prepared at all). I've been Google searching "hair loss and ABVD" and it seems like everyone reacts differently to the regimen.

3 down, 9 more. 1/3 of the way through! Next treatment: Friday, December 20th.

Love,
Gilly