My co-workers say 'I can't believe you're working!' and I can't think of not working during this time, especially if I'm not feeling half bad. Even when I'm having a tired, I-don't-feel-like-doing-anything day, I think of it as just being lazy. Even when I'm feeling a little achy at the end of the day, it's nothing I can't handle. I almost asked to leave work early on Friday, but I told myself: 'take some Advil and move on!' The chemotherapy has nothing to do with it.
My mom says I shouldn't lift heavy objects like my books or laptop and she insists on helping me because of the port in my chest. And even though it's a valid reason (yes, I could hurt myself by damaging the port somehow), I still feel the need to lift my bags. The port is just an excuse to have other people carry my bags and feel bad for me, right? The port has nothing to do with it.
My mom says I shouldn't lift heavy objects like my books or laptop and she insists on helping me because of the port in my chest. And even though it's a valid reason (yes, I could hurt myself by damaging the port somehow), I still feel the need to lift my bags. The port is just an excuse to have other people carry my bags and feel bad for me, right? The port has nothing to do with it.
While I was getting tested and before my
diagnosis, I kept thinking that it couldn't, wouldn't be cancer. The
swollen lymph node was the primary symptom and although fatigue was another symptom, I've always been tired and enjoyed napping during the day. I thought I was overreacting. I've always been a lazy bum! Cancer had nothing to do with it.
I still think this way two months after I've been diagnosed and I'm trying to get over it. Cancer as just an "excuse." I think: 'I'm strong and I can do everything I need to, just like before my diagnosis. And if I can't, then I need to try harder!'
I still think this way two months after I've been diagnosed and I'm trying to get over it. Cancer as just an "excuse." I think: 'I'm strong and I can do everything I need to, just like before my diagnosis. And if I can't, then I need to try harder!'
So, I couldn't sleep last night and thought I should take an Ativan, which I was given for nausea and anxiety, but I didn't believe I was truly anxious. Sometimes I'm awake in bed at the end of the day, thinking about things, which is normal, right? We all do it. Last night I was making another excuse for myself: 'I'm not anxious, I don't need that pill. I need to save it for the days when I'm really anxious, this is nothing.' But I was still wide awake thinking and when 2am approached, I decided I would take the pill and stop not giving myself what I need. I had a craving to watch a Tyler Perry Madea movie because I'd never seen one (it was as goofy as I thought it would be), so I took the pill, put the movie on, and within thirty minutes, I was out. I woke up late and felt rested. So, I think the drug helped. I need to accept that it's okay to have a little help, even if it comes in the form of a tiny pill.
Sometimes I do want to make an excuse and say "I can't do this, I have cancer, feel bad for me!" but doesn't everybody have something that is hurting them in some way? I tell my friends, co-workers, and students in the program where I work that I have been feeling great, because 1) I have! and 2) I don't want to give people an excuse to feel sad for me, because these people might be hurting, too. Physically, emotionally, mentally. We all hurt. So who am I to hurt more than anyone else?
I still want to be invited to events and dinners, even if I feel like declining because of my "laziness" or my need to be a complete introvert sometimes (okay, more than sometimes...I very often want to stay at home in my pajamas all day...). I never wanted it to be because of the cancer. But sometimes, maybe it is because cancer has everything to do with it. And that's okay.
I still want to be invited to events and dinners, even if I feel like declining because of my "laziness" or my need to be a complete introvert sometimes (okay, more than sometimes...I very often want to stay at home in my pajamas all day...). I never wanted it to be because of the cancer. But sometimes, maybe it is because cancer has everything to do with it. And that's okay.
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