Broadway Lights the Night

I took some time to reflect on the past year and the events of Broadway Lights the Night on July 21. When I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma in September 2013, I never imagined it would come full circle at this very special event. I began my journey singing "I Have Confidence" at a church picnic before anyone knew (other than my immediate family) that I had been diagnosed and it was my own special way of telling myself that "I will be okay, I will get through this." Eleven months later, I was honored at Broadway Lights the Night as a survivor and was especially honored to be asked to sing at the event. I chose "A Change in Me" from Broadway's Beauty and the Beast. The lyrics described perfectly what I went through this past year: acceptance of my diagnosis, undergoing tests and treatments, the process of healing, and changing for the better. It was an incredible opportunity for me and the most amazing way to end my journey with lymphoma. 

But actually, the journey will never be over. I will always be fighting to raise awareness and funds for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, and other honorable organizations, so that thousands of others diagnosed with cancer will be able to receive assistance and treatments toward a cure, like I did. It's hard work, but it's worth it.

Thank you Leigh, Ashley, Brooke, and the sponsors, especially Krasney Financial, LLC & TD Ameritrade Institutional, for organizing such a wonderful event; your hard work and dedication does not go unnoticed. Thank you Ben, for playing so beautifully for all of us. Thank you to my friends at the LLS who work so hard throughout the year to raise awareness- it has been such a privilege getting to know you and hope we work together for many years. Thank you so much Aaron Lenhart Photography and Matthew Friedman Photography Productions for taking beautiful pictures, so that family and friends who were not able to attend were able to experience it it later and that I can look back and remember my beautiful moments on and off the stage. Thank you to my fellow performers for supporting our cause and for welcoming me to the stage (a novice among all you professionals!) and your support. Thank you to Anita for coaching me (vocally and in life!), Julia, my church family and friends who attended the event, and those who supported from afar.

It was an emotional and heart warming night, one I will always remember, and hope to be part of for many years to come. I hear from people that I am strong and courageous, but to be honest, it is because of my wonderfully supportive team that got me through this year. Frozen meals, movie nights, walking with me at Light the Night, a kind card in the mail, or a text/email/Facebook message to check in on me-- it is because of you that I was able to stay strong this year and push through. "With you, I am more than I am."

Love,
Gillian

Here is the link to my photo album on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1558252291069210.1073741830.1471477149746725&type=1

July

Happy July! (Yes this post is from the beginning of July...I forgot to post it! Whoops!)

I have been very busy, working at my graduate assistantship and as a hostess part time. I've also joined a community band (I play clarinet). I'm loving it, but it is tiring. I am taking a month-long vacation beginning July 22, so I have two weeks left to go until I can finally relax and enjoy the summer. Even throughout my treatments, I continued school and work, so this is one much needed vacation.

I'll be flying to California for the Carmel Bach Festival to meet my boyfriend, then flying to Florida to visit family. One thing I did not consider, was this is the first time I am flying with the port-a-cath in my chest and going through airport security. I have read that it shouldn't set off the metal detector, but that I should tell security about the device just in case. My mom thought of this! (She's the best!)

I am attempting to "train" for a 5K run in the fall for the cancer center where I was treated. Yesterday, at my check-up, my doctor was palpating my stomach and asked "have you been exercising?" That made me laugh! I am trying, but I will have much more time to run when I am on vacation. (Carmel weather is perfect for jogging!)

Update, July 20:

I've been staying motivated with my 5K "training" by using a fun app on my phone. Tomorrow is Broadway Lights the Night, where my interview will be shown on stage. I can't wait!! If you happen to be reading this and still didn't get a ticket, go to www.broadwaylightsthenight.com to learn more!! Your ticket is a donation to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and I couldn't be happier to be involved with this organization. Then, the next morning, I am flying to Carmel! wahooooo!!!!

What happened?

The time since I found out I was cancer free and done with treatments two months ago, have been emotional. Reflecting on the past seven months of treatments, I think: 'what happened?'

Where did the time go? People said it would just be a little blip in life, just a few months in the grand scheme of things, and they were right. I can hardly believe I went through 6 cycles/12 sessions of chemotherapy. I worked hard throughout my treatments, trying my best to stay on track with school, stay positive, and keep busy. But now that it's over, I've had a lot more time to reflect on what happened and it can be hard at times.

Yesterday, I helped my best friend sort through her mother's old pictures. She, along with her relatives, have been cleaning out their mother's house since she lost her two-year fight with pancreatic cancer last month. It still hurts me to know that cancer took such a lovely, kind person away from her family and friends. It must be so difficult for them to go through this at a young age. My other best friend's family home caught on fire this week and they lost so much, including their beloved cat. I'm devastated, along with the entire family. My family has experienced hard losses in our lives, yet we remain strong and hopeful.

I care so deeply for my friends and my family. It is heartbreaking to see them in pain. I can't help but wonder if this is how they feel for me. They put so much into helping me get through my treatments. They gave advice, kept me focused on my end goal of finishing treatments, laughed with me, cried with me. I want to give back, I want to help them get through their battles, their "cancers" of life.

My cancer diagnosis didn't break me. It changed me for the better, and I don't mind it at all.

Memorial Day

This Memorial Day, I am not only thankful for all the brave men and women who have served and continue to serve our country, but I am also thinking of the brave men and women who battle with cancer each day. This weekend was the first time I experienced true anger at cancer since being diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma in September.

My dear friend, Kasie, lost her mother to pancreatic cancer last week and this weekend I attended a beautiful memorial service in her honor and memory. As I sat in the congregation, listening to family and friends speak about Nancy and how brave and kind she was her entire life, but even after her terminal diagnosis, I experienced real anger towards this terrible disease, which only seems to become more prevalent as we continue to research and fight for a cure.

I was "blessed" to have Hodgkin's lymphoma. It is very treatable and I had no doubt in my mind that I was going to go through chemotherapy and be okay. I was never mad at cancer, or God, or the universe, or my body, or whatever for giving me cancer. But Saturday afternoon, I was mad. I was mad that cancer took away my best friend's mother. I was mad that Nancy had to go through such a hard battle, when I didn't, and so many others do every day. I read blogs and those little "memes" on Facebook that say no matter what kind of cancer you have, it is still cancer. It still hurts. It still affects you and the people that care about you. Just because you don't look sick, doesn't mean you aren't sick. Just because you don't lose your hair, doesn't mean cancer hasn't affected you in a powerful way. This is all true and I believe it. But for the first time, I was really angry at cancer. At God. At the universe. At bodies for allowing us to get this awful disease, whatever it is and however it happens.

I am grieving for Nancy today. I am grieving for myself and for everyone affected by cancer, hoping there will be a cure in my lifetime. Yet I am thankful for cancer research, for doctors and nurses, for family, for friends, for supporters. Your donation, to the LLS, American Cancer Society, or whichever organization you choose, makes a huge difference in the lives of cancer patients. Thank you.

http://pages.lightthenight.org/nj/Morris14/GVelmer

Doctor Selfie and Graduation

On Monday, I had an appointment with my doctor. Blood work looks good. I'll get another CT scan in July. I'm so grateful for the nurses and doctors everywhere who dedicate their time and efforts to helping people affected with cancer.


And on Tuesday, May 20, I walked at graduation! Master of Arts in Speech Language Pathology :)

Best birthday

Three weeks ago, on my birthday, April 24, I found out I AM CANCER FREE!!!!!

I can't believe three weeks have already gone by! I've been wanting to blog of course, but time has just been flying. The morning of the 24th, I went for a  CT/PET scan, out to breakfast with Tim, got the news that the scan was clean, went for a hike, then out for a very special birthday celebration!

I've just finished all my coursework and finals for the semester (well, with the exception of my entire thesis paper, but I will work on it this summer), directed two singing groups for people with aphasia (which went fabulously well!), and will be walking at graduation on Tuesday, May 20!

Love you all!

Michael

I better blog about this before I forget.

Saturday afternoon, I met up with a friend from college to see The Realistic Joneses on Broadway. The cast is incredible: Tracy Letts, Marisa Tomei, Toni Collette, and Michael C. Hall. If you follow my Facebook page for Team Gillybean, you'll know I posted a while ago that I became a big fan of the TV show Dexter shortly after I started my chemotherapy treatments and would often watch at night to keep my mind off of treatments/side effects/life. It wasn't until I was halfway through the series that I was told that Michael C. Hall (Dexter) had cancer during the filming, and I later found out it was Hodgkin's Lymphoma and that he was an ambassador for Light the Night in 2011. So, I really wanted to see the show so I could see Michael C. Hall perform live.

I don't know if anyone else has gone through an experience like this, but I immediately felt a weird
"connection" with the actor on a different level, knowing that not only did he go through cancer treatments, but he had the same cancer I had. As far as I knew, I had never seen him in any other shows (perhaps bits of Six Feet Under) and knew very little about him. I quickly found out that he survived Hodgkin's Lymphoma, accepted his Golden Globe wearing a cap because he lost his hair during chemotherapy, continued working on Dexter wearing a wig, and became a spokesperson for Light the Night/LLS.

After I finished Dexter the series, I realized he was appearing in NYC and I knew I wanted to see it. I had a crazy idea that I could meet him at the stage door and tell him how appreciative I was that he shared his personal experiences with cancer. In one interview I found online, he said he wanted to share because he thought it might help other people who were also dealing with the disease. I thought, 'why not?! It might be the one chance I'll ever get.'

So, my friend Chris and I met up on sunny Saturday afternoon. I was already very emotional, thinking I might meet Michael C. Hall (can I call him Michael for the rest of this post?), but even themes within the play hit close to home. I laughed, I cried.

My friend knew exactly where the stage door was (I would have never found it without him!), so we waited there with all the other fans. Eventually many more people made their way to the stage door (how do people know where these things are?!).

Michael.....C. Hall (okay, I can't do it without the C. Hall) was the first one out. Chris was nudging me to
get closer to the front and take out my playbill so he could sign, but I was wary of this. I never like being associated with other fans at stage doors, waving camera phones and playbills at the actors. I knew I wanted my talk with him to be special, but I didn't know if it was possible. Some actors are too busy/impatient/arrogant to even take pictures with fans, so I watched him to see if I could figure out what 'kind' of celebrity he was. He was signing autographs and taking pictures with every person (good sign!), but he didn't seem to really be smiling in the pictures (bad sign?), so I thought  'unfriendly/hates taking pictures/no way he will talk to me.'

When he made his way to my side, I waited for him to sign a few autographs, I briefly made eye contact with him, before I made my way to the front. Deep breath. Now was my time to be bold. He was holding a Sharpie pen in his right hand, ready to sign Playbills, but instead of handing him my Playbill, I offered my hand. So, yea, I shook his hand with the Sharpie in it. :-)

I don't remember how I started. I think (I hope...) I said "I admire your work" and very quickly told him "In September, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma." He said "Oh, you were?" And I continued to tell him how Dexter was my go-to show after chemotherapy, that I didn't know he was also diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma until halfway through the series and when I found out, watching him on the show had so much more meaning. I told him I did some "Youtube stalking" (exact words, that much I know) and that it was great to watch his interviews and be able to relate to him; that the feelings he was going through are ones that I am going through and it meant everything that he shared his story.

It was mostly quiet all around us. Everyone was looking on and I knew this, but I didn't stop telling him how I felt. Chris told me after the experience, that he could tell that people surrounding us could tell we were having a special moment-- except for one random guy, who pushed his way to the front to take a "selfie" with Michael C. Hall. And that was the only time he ever looked away from me. I know the experience will be blurry to me soon, but the one thing I will not forget are his eyes. He did not look away and was completely engaged in what I was saying. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they look at you and how they listen.

At some point while I was talking, he leaned over the railing, and hugged me. Maybe he said something before that? I think it was a nice hug, but I was so shocked, I can hardly remember it two days later! (I'm shaking as I'm writing this post, by the way. Just thinking and writing about this experience makes me proud, nervous, emotional...shaky).

So clearly, I knew this actor was someone special, so I thought I would be bolder. I asked "can I give you a shirt?" He said yes/of course/yea/sure...one of those words...maybe? So I reached into my purse and took out a Team Gillybean shirt. I brought it along, just in case it ended up being a special experience, which it clearly was. I told him this was my team shirt from Light the Night and we won a contest for best t-shirt design in NJ. I pointed out the cancer ribbons on the jellybeans. I don't know if he responded to that, but I do remember he asked: "Are you Gilly?" I said yes, I'm Gillian. Then I guess I asked him if I could take a picture and I turned around and asked Chris to take the picture. I felt so weird smiling next to him, because I knew he wasn't really smiling in pictures with fans. I almost regretted asking for a picture with him, but ultimately, I'm glad I have it. I knew it was time for him to move on, so as he started making his way to more fans, I thanked him again for sharing his story and he....smiled? Said you're welcome? Said thank you?

It's amazing how I was so concentrated on what I was saying that I barely remember if he said anything back, but I won't forget his eyes.

Thank you Michael C. Hall for taking the time to listen. And thank YOU for reading. Now we all have to be on the lookout for a paparazzi photo of him wearing the Team Gillybean shirt! :-) And, please, please, consider donating if you have read to the end! My birthday is April 24th and I would love nothing more than to receive a donation to the LLS from you! 

With appreciation, 

Gillian