I really have been feeling like normal. I've been working at my GA and attending class (got a 100 on my first quiz!). Over the weekend, I got to catch up with my fun friend Andie and hear Tim and our friends sing a beautiful concert of Britten music.
Mom and I also visited a new wig shop. The weirdest and scariest part of this is dealing with the hair loss. I believe there is a stigma that people with cancer are sick and they are sick because they look sick and they look sick because they don't have hair. I don't think of my own cancer experience as being sick because I just don't feel that way now. Before I was diagnosed, I didn't believe I could have cancer because I didn't "feel" the way people with cancer usually "look." I didn't have any symptoms, other than the swollen lymph node. Instead of thinking of myself as sick, I think of myself as healing. However, when I start losing my hair and either going bald, wearing wigs, or wearing caps and scarves, people will notice. People will begin to think of me as sick. This is largely why I have kept my diagnosis confidential from my classmates, except for a handful of closest friends. I don't want to be thought of as "sick."
I'm watching a show on Netflix and a character was diagnosed with cancer. As I watched her struggle with the effects of chemotherapy and I feel very fortunate; I know many people suffer more than I do every day. My hope is that I will be in healing mode for the next six months and my hair loss will be the worst part of the process.
That night, after visiting the wig shop, I watched the character experience denial, fear, shame, and acceptance of her hair loss. I know there is nothing to prepare me for my own loss. I can read about how others managed, look at pictures of beautiful bald women, or even try out a "bald app" on my phone (those pictures didn't turn out so well), but ultimately I will just have to see what happens and how I feel when I get there.
I feel like I was placed in my district for my internship for a reason. There is a beautiful young teacher recovering from leukemia who gave me the information about the wig shop and owner and I am so thankful to have been led there. The owner, who is also a hairdresser, gave me new insights on selecting and wearing wigs, such as wearing hair accessories in my wigs. The most important thing though, before making my wig selection, is deciding what I want to do with my hair.
Donating my hair is important to me, so that is a huge consideration. Part of my hesitation at this point are the "what ifs" of hair loss- what if I don't lose it, what if it only thins and I don't lose it completely? Also, the "when." When will I start losing it? Two weeks? Three? Another part affecting my decision to donate now, is that I have been afraid to cut it short and draw attention to myself in class, then show up two weeks later with a longer wig.
I have done a lot of thinking this week and I am beginning to accept and understand that it isn't about what my classmates/society thinks, but it is about how I feel.
I've been growing my hair for two years since my last donation. I wanted to donate it at the end of the summer but never had the chance. Well, now is my chance. Not only to donate my hair before I start losing it, but to take this opportunity to see what I look and feel like with a short haircut. And maybe even a Mohawk. ;)
Next treatment is this Friday, November 15th! Then it is Monday, December 2 (had to change some things around due to Thanksgiving).
Love to all!
Gillian
You are so inspiring Gillybean. You'd make any style of hair look gorgeous, and the person you are underneath all this is beyond stunning!! So much love.
ReplyDelete