If you know me, you know I'm emotional. Always have been, always will be.
I cried a lot during chemotherapy. It was usually late at night, in my room, alone.
Well, tonight I watched Grease Live, which was really good. They added a live audience, who also acted as extras, and it really helped with the overall feel of the broadcast. When it came time to the last song and the curtain call, I started crying. It first started when I saw the performers dancing, bowing, and mouthing "hi mom and dad!" I just lost it. I'm a total cry baby. But I thought I would blog about it, because I think by blogging, it will help me understand WHY I was so emotional at the end of the show.
I think it has a lot to do with my memories of high school and being in the musicals. Grease Live made me reminisce about those good (and sometimes bad) times in my life and how so much has changed since then. I miss those days a lot sometimes.
I've had my moments, but I don't remember being this sad so often before chemotherapy started. Things were going along... I moved in with my parents after college, then was living with my boyfriend (now husband), going to grad school,....then I had cancer. It set me back a bit. I moved back in with my parents over the weekends so I could get a treatment close to their home. My parents never let me go and I never let them go and once the cancer hit, I really couldn't let go. And I'm having a hard time doing that now. I moved out of my parents' home (my stuff is still there though), I'm married, I have a full-time job (that I'm not entirely happy about at the moment)- I am in a huge transition period in my life. I'm scared, all the time, of this transition. I was extremely sad that our wedding was over and having to jump into a new job right after the wedding was stressful. So much changed in such a short amount of time. It's time to give my parents the guest room they really want. But it is hard. This transition makes me sad all the time, and I think that the Grease Live broadcast really reminded me of that. I'm not in high school anymore. It's time to grow up and start a new chapter of life.
The other reason I think I was crying at the end of the show....well, it could be that I am jealous of those actors. I've always wanted to be on Broadway, because it seems like so much fun. Hard work, but fun. And they are amazing singers and dancers! I'll never be that good. I think seeing all of them excited and happy together, enjoying each other's company, makes me long for those relationships, too. I'm not very happy with my job...or career. Life as a school-based speech therapist is so overwhelming. I think seeing those actors laughing and singing made me realize how much I want to live a happy life. I love being with and helping my students, but man, this job (and any school-based job) is nuts! The first year is always the hardest, but I really worry about every year being the hardest. I have a lifetime to worry about CEUs and keeping up with my certification, and writing teacher portfolios, and progress notes, and lesson plans, and IEPs, and meetings. So many of my friends post their adventures on Facebook. My adventures will have to be during summer vacation (a huge benefit to working in schools...). The Grease Live cast had an awesome adventure tonight. I want that.
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Monday, January 18, 2016
Survivor's Guilt
So much time has passed.
I came on today to reflect on the sad news of recent celebrity deaths due to cancer. Ever since I was diagnosed with cancer (over two years ago), I have felt a connection to others who have been diagnosed- especially celebrities. It started when I was watching the TV show Dexter late at night and found out that Michael C. Hall had Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I was going through chemotherapy treatments at that time. For Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I just can't explain why I felt so strongly connected to that actor. When I had the opportunity to meet him after a Broadway show, I shook his hand, shared my story, and thanked him for inspiring me to continue on and fight strong. I had never met him before then, but a strong connection with him in that moment. Cancer is the link.
In the first few weeks of January 2016, there have been so many deaths from cancer. The celebrity deaths get the most attention, of course. David Bowie was first. A few days later was Alan Rickman. I heard of their deaths early in the day, during my drive to work. Alan Rickman's death really hit me hard, because my sister and I had just finished watching all eight of the Harry Potter movies over winter break. And oh yes, I cried over Snape's scenes, too. Hearing it in the car, I teared up a bit. Reading an hour later that it was from cancer- I lost it at work. I mourned alone in my classroom for at least half an hour. I mourned later on in the day, too, as I told a friend how I was feeling.
Prior to these deaths, I read an article about "survivor's guilt," which is essentially feeling guilty after surviving a major life event while others did/do not survive. In my case, it was cancer. I suppose I feel this way often, although I don't often reflect on it. My oncologist and surgeon told me early on in my diagnosis that I had a "best cancer" and that it was very curable. Through treatments, I did feel "guilty" at times for having the cancer I did, because I knew that thousands of others had it "worse" than I did. Well, I know that no cancer is the "best cancer" to get; it still hurts, it still changes your life, it still is something I wouldn't want anyone to go through.
Survivor's guilt hit me after hearing of Alan Rickman's death. I am shocked that we can't cure cancer yet, or prolong the lives of all people battling all types of cancer. Or that some of the most prolific people in this world, who have access to the best medicine, still lose their lives to cancer. This is why I will continue to fundraise for the LLS, until we no longer need to.
I came on today to reflect on the sad news of recent celebrity deaths due to cancer. Ever since I was diagnosed with cancer (over two years ago), I have felt a connection to others who have been diagnosed- especially celebrities. It started when I was watching the TV show Dexter late at night and found out that Michael C. Hall had Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I was going through chemotherapy treatments at that time. For Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I just can't explain why I felt so strongly connected to that actor. When I had the opportunity to meet him after a Broadway show, I shook his hand, shared my story, and thanked him for inspiring me to continue on and fight strong. I had never met him before then, but a strong connection with him in that moment. Cancer is the link.
In the first few weeks of January 2016, there have been so many deaths from cancer. The celebrity deaths get the most attention, of course. David Bowie was first. A few days later was Alan Rickman. I heard of their deaths early in the day, during my drive to work. Alan Rickman's death really hit me hard, because my sister and I had just finished watching all eight of the Harry Potter movies over winter break. And oh yes, I cried over Snape's scenes, too. Hearing it in the car, I teared up a bit. Reading an hour later that it was from cancer- I lost it at work. I mourned alone in my classroom for at least half an hour. I mourned later on in the day, too, as I told a friend how I was feeling.
Prior to these deaths, I read an article about "survivor's guilt," which is essentially feeling guilty after surviving a major life event while others did/do not survive. In my case, it was cancer. I suppose I feel this way often, although I don't often reflect on it. My oncologist and surgeon told me early on in my diagnosis that I had a "best cancer" and that it was very curable. Through treatments, I did feel "guilty" at times for having the cancer I did, because I knew that thousands of others had it "worse" than I did. Well, I know that no cancer is the "best cancer" to get; it still hurts, it still changes your life, it still is something I wouldn't want anyone to go through.
Survivor's guilt hit me after hearing of Alan Rickman's death. I am shocked that we can't cure cancer yet, or prolong the lives of all people battling all types of cancer. Or that some of the most prolific people in this world, who have access to the best medicine, still lose their lives to cancer. This is why I will continue to fundraise for the LLS, until we no longer need to.
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Two years? How can this be?
It was this week two years ago that I received the news that it was Hodgkin's lymphoma. This is a picture of the first time I felt the lump.
I just spent the afternoon reading the blog I kept throughout my treatments and I'm now thinking: "how the heck did I get through that and now it's two years later?" Reading through the blog, I have an urge to edit things I wrote. Was I too positive? But I know I can't change the past. Those are my words, my journal that I shared with you. I was positive so that I would keep myself positive and to keep all of you positive. I had cancer, but staying in good spirits throughout my journey was the best thing I could have ever done for myself.
These past two years have been a whirlwind. It's like I blinked, and suddenly, I'm here--BAM--it's been two years after receiving that diagnosis. So many things have happened in those two years. Things I love, things I hate, things I remember, things I forget, things I regret-- But I can't change the past.
This summer was the craziest whirlwind of all. I planned my wedding in five months while applying for jobs and doing some traveling. The wedding is over and I am sad. Really sad at the fact that the best day ever is over. But I have to remember, there are going to be lots of best days ever in my life. Hearing I was cancer free on my birthday, was the best day ever!! Singing at Broadway Lights the Night was the best day ever! Every time we walk with friends at Light the Night-- the best days ever.
I can't change the past, no matter how often and much I really, really want to. Having cancer has taught me a lot of things, one of them being to live every day. Keep moving forward. LIVE!
I just spent the afternoon reading the blog I kept throughout my treatments and I'm now thinking: "how the heck did I get through that and now it's two years later?" Reading through the blog, I have an urge to edit things I wrote. Was I too positive? But I know I can't change the past. Those are my words, my journal that I shared with you. I was positive so that I would keep myself positive and to keep all of you positive. I had cancer, but staying in good spirits throughout my journey was the best thing I could have ever done for myself.
These past two years have been a whirlwind. It's like I blinked, and suddenly, I'm here--BAM--it's been two years after receiving that diagnosis. So many things have happened in those two years. Things I love, things I hate, things I remember, things I forget, things I regret-- But I can't change the past.
This summer was the craziest whirlwind of all. I planned my wedding in five months while applying for jobs and doing some traveling. The wedding is over and I am sad. Really sad at the fact that the best day ever is over. But I have to remember, there are going to be lots of best days ever in my life. Hearing I was cancer free on my birthday, was the best day ever!! Singing at Broadway Lights the Night was the best day ever! Every time we walk with friends at Light the Night-- the best days ever.
I can't change the past, no matter how often and much I really, really want to. Having cancer has taught me a lot of things, one of them being to live every day. Keep moving forward. LIVE!
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
One year
It was one year ago that I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society call it Hodgkin's disease, but my oncologist called it lymphoma, so that's what I call it.
I was just starting at an internship at a public school. My supervisor was out of the room on her lunch break, and I sat alone, as I received a text message from the surgeon to call him. (He was a family friend, so I had his cell phone from other times). When he told me, I was surprisingly calm. I didn't cry. I just felt relieved. I finally had an answer to what I was going through for almost two years. And I knew it was going to get better. That I was going to get better.
One year!
I was just starting at an internship at a public school. My supervisor was out of the room on her lunch break, and I sat alone, as I received a text message from the surgeon to call him. (He was a family friend, so I had his cell phone from other times). When he told me, I was surprisingly calm. I didn't cry. I just felt relieved. I finally had an answer to what I was going through for almost two years. And I knew it was going to get better. That I was going to get better.
One year!
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Broadway Lights the Night
I took some time to reflect on the past year and the events of
Broadway Lights the Night on July 21. When I was diagnosed with
Hodgkin's lymphoma in September 2013, I never imagined it would come
full circle at this very special event. I began my journey singing "I
Have Confidence" at a church picnic before anyone knew (other than my
immediate family) that I had been diagnosed and it was my own special
way of telling myself that "I will be okay, I will get through this."
Eleven months later, I was honored at
Broadway Lights the Night as a survivor and was especially honored to be
asked to sing at the event. I chose "A Change in Me" from Broadway's
Beauty and the Beast. The lyrics described perfectly what I went through
this past year: acceptance of my diagnosis, undergoing tests and
treatments, the process of healing, and changing for the better. It was
an incredible opportunity for me and the most amazing way to end my
journey with lymphoma.
But actually, the journey will never be over. I will always be fighting to raise awareness and funds for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, and other honorable organizations, so that thousands of others diagnosed with cancer will be able to receive assistance and treatments toward a cure, like I did. It's hard work, but it's worth it.
Thank you Leigh, Ashley, Brooke, and the sponsors, especially Krasney Financial, LLC & TD Ameritrade Institutional, for organizing such a wonderful event; your hard work and dedication does not go unnoticed. Thank you Ben, for playing so beautifully for all of us. Thank you to my friends at the LLS who work so hard throughout the year to raise awareness- it has been such a privilege getting to know you and hope we work together for many years. Thank you so much Aaron Lenhart Photography and Matthew Friedman Photography Productions for taking beautiful pictures, so that family and friends who were not able to attend were able to experience it it later and that I can look back and remember my beautiful moments on and off the stage. Thank you to my fellow performers for supporting our cause and for welcoming me to the stage (a novice among all you professionals!) and your support. Thank you to Anita for coaching me (vocally and in life!), Julia, my church family and friends who attended the event, and those who supported from afar.
It was an emotional and heart warming night, one I will always remember, and hope to be part of for many years to come. I hear from people that I am strong and courageous, but to be honest, it is because of my wonderfully supportive team that got me through this year. Frozen meals, movie nights, walking with me at Light the Night, a kind card in the mail, or a text/email/Facebook message to check in on me-- it is because of you that I was able to stay strong this year and push through. "With you, I am more than I am."
Love,
Gillian
Here is the link to my photo album on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1558252291069210.1073741830.1471477149746725&type=1
But actually, the journey will never be over. I will always be fighting to raise awareness and funds for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, and other honorable organizations, so that thousands of others diagnosed with cancer will be able to receive assistance and treatments toward a cure, like I did. It's hard work, but it's worth it.
Thank you Leigh, Ashley, Brooke, and the sponsors, especially Krasney Financial, LLC & TD Ameritrade Institutional, for organizing such a wonderful event; your hard work and dedication does not go unnoticed. Thank you Ben, for playing so beautifully for all of us. Thank you to my friends at the LLS who work so hard throughout the year to raise awareness- it has been such a privilege getting to know you and hope we work together for many years. Thank you so much Aaron Lenhart Photography and Matthew Friedman Photography Productions for taking beautiful pictures, so that family and friends who were not able to attend were able to experience it it later and that I can look back and remember my beautiful moments on and off the stage. Thank you to my fellow performers for supporting our cause and for welcoming me to the stage (a novice among all you professionals!) and your support. Thank you to Anita for coaching me (vocally and in life!), Julia, my church family and friends who attended the event, and those who supported from afar.
It was an emotional and heart warming night, one I will always remember, and hope to be part of for many years to come. I hear from people that I am strong and courageous, but to be honest, it is because of my wonderfully supportive team that got me through this year. Frozen meals, movie nights, walking with me at Light the Night, a kind card in the mail, or a text/email/Facebook message to check in on me-- it is because of you that I was able to stay strong this year and push through. "With you, I am more than I am."
Love,
Gillian
Here is the link to my photo album on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1558252291069210.1073741830.1471477149746725&type=1
Sunday, July 20, 2014
July
Happy July! (Yes this post is from the beginning of July...I forgot to post it! Whoops!)
I have been very busy, working at my graduate assistantship and as a hostess part time. I've also joined a community band (I play clarinet). I'm loving it, but it is tiring. I am taking a month-long vacation beginning July 22, so I have two weeks left to go until I can finally relax and enjoy the summer. Even throughout my treatments, I continued school and work, so this is one much needed vacation.
I'll be flying to California for the Carmel Bach Festival to meet my boyfriend, then flying to Florida to visit family. One thing I did not consider, was this is the first time I am flying with the port-a-cath in my chest and going through airport security. I have read that it shouldn't set off the metal detector, but that I should tell security about the device just in case. My mom thought of this! (She's the best!)
I am attempting to "train" for a 5K run in the fall for the cancer center where I was treated. Yesterday, at my check-up, my doctor was palpating my stomach and asked "have you been exercising?" That made me laugh! I am trying, but I will have much more time to run when I am on vacation. (Carmel weather is perfect for jogging!)
Update, July 20:
I've been staying motivated with my 5K "training" by using a fun app on my phone. Tomorrow is Broadway Lights the Night, where my interview will be shown on stage. I can't wait!! If you happen to be reading this and still didn't get a ticket, go to www.broadwaylightsthenight.com to learn more!! Your ticket is a donation to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and I couldn't be happier to be involved with this organization. Then, the next morning, I am flying to Carmel! wahooooo!!!!
I have been very busy, working at my graduate assistantship and as a hostess part time. I've also joined a community band (I play clarinet). I'm loving it, but it is tiring. I am taking a month-long vacation beginning July 22, so I have two weeks left to go until I can finally relax and enjoy the summer. Even throughout my treatments, I continued school and work, so this is one much needed vacation.
I'll be flying to California for the Carmel Bach Festival to meet my boyfriend, then flying to Florida to visit family. One thing I did not consider, was this is the first time I am flying with the port-a-cath in my chest and going through airport security. I have read that it shouldn't set off the metal detector, but that I should tell security about the device just in case. My mom thought of this! (She's the best!)
I am attempting to "train" for a 5K run in the fall for the cancer center where I was treated. Yesterday, at my check-up, my doctor was palpating my stomach and asked "have you been exercising?" That made me laugh! I am trying, but I will have much more time to run when I am on vacation. (Carmel weather is perfect for jogging!)
Update, July 20:
I've been staying motivated with my 5K "training" by using a fun app on my phone. Tomorrow is Broadway Lights the Night, where my interview will be shown on stage. I can't wait!! If you happen to be reading this and still didn't get a ticket, go to www.broadwaylightsthenight.com to learn more!! Your ticket is a donation to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and I couldn't be happier to be involved with this organization. Then, the next morning, I am flying to Carmel! wahooooo!!!!
Friday, June 20, 2014
What happened?
The time since I found out I was cancer free and done with treatments two months ago, have been emotional. Reflecting on the past seven months of treatments, I think: 'what happened?'
Where did the time go? People said it would just be a little blip in life, just a few months in the grand scheme of things, and they were right. I can hardly believe I went through 6 cycles/12 sessions of chemotherapy. I worked hard throughout my treatments, trying my best to stay on track with school, stay positive, and keep busy. But now that it's over, I've had a lot more time to reflect on what happened and it can be hard at times.
Yesterday, I helped my best friend sort through her mother's old pictures. She, along with her relatives, have been cleaning out their mother's house since she lost her two-year fight with pancreatic cancer last month. It still hurts me to know that cancer took such a lovely, kind person away from her family and friends. It must be so difficult for them to go through this at a young age. My other best friend's family home caught on fire this week and they lost so much, including their beloved cat. I'm devastated, along with the entire family. My family has experienced hard losses in our lives, yet we remain strong and hopeful.
I care so deeply for my friends and my family. It is heartbreaking to see them in pain. I can't help but wonder if this is how they feel for me. They put so much into helping me get through my treatments. They gave advice, kept me focused on my end goal of finishing treatments, laughed with me, cried with me. I want to give back, I want to help them get through their battles, their "cancers" of life.
My cancer diagnosis didn't break me. It changed me for the better, and I don't mind it at all.
Where did the time go? People said it would just be a little blip in life, just a few months in the grand scheme of things, and they were right. I can hardly believe I went through 6 cycles/12 sessions of chemotherapy. I worked hard throughout my treatments, trying my best to stay on track with school, stay positive, and keep busy. But now that it's over, I've had a lot more time to reflect on what happened and it can be hard at times.
Yesterday, I helped my best friend sort through her mother's old pictures. She, along with her relatives, have been cleaning out their mother's house since she lost her two-year fight with pancreatic cancer last month. It still hurts me to know that cancer took such a lovely, kind person away from her family and friends. It must be so difficult for them to go through this at a young age. My other best friend's family home caught on fire this week and they lost so much, including their beloved cat. I'm devastated, along with the entire family. My family has experienced hard losses in our lives, yet we remain strong and hopeful.
I care so deeply for my friends and my family. It is heartbreaking to see them in pain. I can't help but wonder if this is how they feel for me. They put so much into helping me get through my treatments. They gave advice, kept me focused on my end goal of finishing treatments, laughed with me, cried with me. I want to give back, I want to help them get through their battles, their "cancers" of life.
My cancer diagnosis didn't break me. It changed me for the better, and I don't mind it at all.
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